my bitter sweet paradise

2007-09-22T22:33:00.003+08:00

you have been my way of keeping it alive.

[adios]

2007-09-15T11:55:00.000+08:00

this is frustrating

why hide the truth when its evident for all to see

what i say is not the crucial factor in changing people's minds

why sign false treaties and speak words that are merely hogwash

when in reality, everyone would be able to tell the hypocrisy

its so important to tell a war story as it is

we want the truth

not disguised annotations that the civilians wont understand

you are only widening the already existing gap

we want the truth

not romantic notions of war and how it is just to die when its slaugher

we want the truth

so we can make proper decisions wisely and with hindsight

we want to go OH

it should be able to shock us into making better judgements

so does the fault lie with me then

when i am doing everone a favour

parents need to know what they are doing wrong with their kids

children need to know that their actions impact more than themselves

enough of this delusion that they will turn out right somehow
enough of this self centeredness that people owe you a living

we are actually facing a crisis in some forms

and people are inhibiting the truth from being told?
and awareness being created?

why do we all want the blind to lead the blind

wake up your idea pls

2007-09-06T00:35:00.000+08:00

suzie has finally returned after her breakdown

i cant wait for my holiday during the last wk of sept

but the weeks prior to that appear to be SHITTY

3 test in the 3rd wk of sept
and they are all in the evening - depressing time of the day for a test

not to mention how there is just not enough time

and its quite irritating

the mom is complaining i treat the house like a hotel
not true :/
not that i even want to be out so often
things are sometimes beyond my control

i have sch while they are on holiday
i have tuition while she thinks im wasting my time outside

sigh the pains of dividing myself into many sections

10am lecture tmr
its already almost 1am

sore throat and germ infestation

this is not good

2007-08-23T19:28:00.000+08:00

stream of consciousness writings
Irish identity and her fear of being individualistic
when third person becomes first person
art history and tradition
religion sin and hell

and here we go

the earth sun and moon somehow orbits and moves
seasons change because of the axis and tilt of the earth
there are two types of eclipses

singapore never felt a sense of nationalism until post 1965
when we were kicked out of Msia and forced to be an independent nation
so this means that colonialism and JO were not forceful enough

USA on the other hand were small indian settlements that were "discovered" by the Iberian powers in the 1400 by the Portuguese and Spain
They set up trading posts and little settlements that they called New England, New Netherlands and so on but
How then did she become so powerful?
She was also named America because of this guy called Amerigo Vespucci that documented the founding of the island not so much due to Columbus

and round we go

i like everything that im learning in school
except
my awful science oriented universe module

and THANK GOD ITS FRIDAY TOMORROW

good to be back to school for a while

after how i self declared a holiday for myself :]

teehee

2007-08-14T22:09:00.000+08:00

the moment i hear my phone alarm
i already have my whole day's plan mapped out in my mind
and when you think about it in one shot
its overwhelming but at the day passes,
its really peanuts

from class to class
from school to tuition
and finally from tuition to home
is no joke

so at the end of the day im really glad to come home
compared to last time where i really wanted to go out more
and felt that staying home was rather boring
but now its like a reverse relationship

i really like the feeling of just opening my door to see my sofa
and i feel at ease that im finally home
and i had the privilege of sitting in a comfortable ride
vs. the horrible transport experiences last time

...

and i never believed my mom when she said i would wish for the opposite when i get older
but its really true
in secondary school i wanted to get older faster
and in jc i wanted to start uni
but now in uni i wouldnt mind staying in jc still
afterall spoonfeeding is 100 times better than library e reserves :]

...

2007-08-14T20:40:00.000+08:00

starlights burning bright

white formy marshmallows

familiar strains and safekept memories

and after chucking everything beneath the bed
its just the bedshaped of you thats left to keep

2007-08-14T20:17:00.001+08:00

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

right so the first days of school have started
and MY GOD ..

day 1 :

my first lecture was world history - lecturers are okay, fun bunch of people but they haven uploaded anything yet :o
then there is a certain someone in my lecture that is rather distracting
he has a very bad case of short sightedness so he sits at the lecturer's table
and like he has an attention problem too i guess ?
or maybe he cannot control himself
so he does all sorts of funny things
its just amusing looking at him haha

then my second lecture was my US module
and the woman lecturer already uploaded notes and when everyone else gives like a 1hr intro lecture - she gives a full one !

shittt .. not to mention how i already spent $$ on books and my season parking ..

when i went home,
i was jus too tired to read anymore stuff except my lit book :]

currently reading :

A portrait of an Artist by James Joyce

its a religious book but really nice and thought provoking :]

Day 2 :

today i had to send my car into the workshop to get my new key configuration
but in the evening, the speedometer cocks up again :/
this is the problem with accident cars
and i really worry how am i going to sell it later on ?!

anywae my first lecture was Understanding the Universe
its a nice module because it has no exam and the tests are all open book
on top of that i have star gazing opportunities
BUT
the downside is
i have no idea what he is talking about
nebulaes and the black hole ?
and everything he says is supported by a quote from a famour scientist etc.

*faints*

and i have two lectures of this cosmo kind in a week
and i haven bought the text because its $50
and i rather photocopy the book :/

my second lecture was nation buidling, singapore module
basically you go in there to immerse yourself in non stop praises about singapore
HAHA
propaganda :|
then the lecturer is the same as my US module -
the one that gives a full lecture on the first few days of school
but aiya who am i to complain, already year two, not honeymoon freshie anymore

THE WORSE PART OF THE DAY comes here

firstly when i walked to my car
i see a SWEET WRAPPER on my windscreen
i thought it was some hall friend poking fun of me

then my season parking wont work !
i refused to put the cashcard because i didnt wanna pay
since i paid for season parking yesterday
then there was like a queue of 5-6 cars and a BUS behind me
and the stupid lady on the intercom could not hear me
so i just gave up, paid the freakin $6 and went to the main office to complain
and i got a refund
but its so EMBARRASSING
because i was shouting into the intercom
and people heard me probably
and at night, reuben called me to say

" HAHA i know you had a bad day in school "

it was HIM who put the sweet wrapper there
and it was probably HIM and his friends who witnessed my horrible situation

SIGHHH

and because i drive a pink car
who can forget ?!

SIGHHH

Day 3 :

i have no school tomorrow but i still have to go down to the vivo area
because of a doctor's appt
then after that im going back to school to meet qiyuan for a meal
after which i have to go for tuition
and i thought on a non-school day i could save petrol
but it doesnt look like it

:/

but overall i like school because i am at least learning new stuff
its always an eye opener
i just have to get used to the idea of cosmo and hope for the best

2007-08-03T10:29:00.000+08:00

it takes a thought to make a word
and it takes some words to make a action
it takes some hurt to make it hurt
and it takes some bad for satisfaction
it takes no time to fall in love
but it takes years to know what love it
and it takes some fears to make you trust
it takes those tears to make it rust
it takes those dust to have it polish
it takes some silence to make sound
it take some loss to find something

and i get panic attacks at night ...

2007-08-01T19:13:00.001+08:00

its a child's game that you are playing with me

im tired of hiding behind your emotional blackmail

yet its better than giving out a useless ultimatum

with you its playdoh in exchange for more playdoh

completely pointless

...

its scary when everyone only has half chances

especially when you are this happy

and you wonder how long good things will last

but afterall, He only has plans to prosper you right ?

then there is the difference between what you want vs. what He wants

that, im not thinking about but at this moment,

im entirely content despite i would love to have more time

i mean

[ ... ]

choy but what if gary get hurt serving the army ?

and he's away for like 5 days a week

i wont be there and life is too short for such distances

SIGH

2007-08-01T19:12:00.000+08:00

first its the hours/days that turn into weeks then months

but we'll take it as they come

like the daily weather forecast

we have to be ready for anything

boastfully and shamefully bimbotic

it was at fast as i could go

but too slow i was

and you became this while spot that gradually disappeared

left around the corner

straight upfront

"give me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, the courage to change the things i can and wisdom to know the diference"

stale air and tinted lights

back i go to my crimson night

24 times 6

7 times 5

5 times 4

come christmas we shall conquer them all

2007-07-23T18:24:00.000+08:00

Admiration is a very short-lived passion, that immediately decays upon growing familiar with its object.

decays upon growing familiar with its object

and the object of this discussion is man

decays then refers to the complete disgust upon deeper discovery

...

i wonder how she can stand him

he who claims to be the fatansy of every other

to me its plainly hogwash

2007-07-20T18:59:00.001+08:00

A typical day at work ..
if we are lucky ..
like TGIF and TGWF (thank god we're free !)

hy on her computer

clara on her computer

technically not suppose to have internet
but we have a special yellow wire :] hahaha

hy at her usual facebook website
its kok's btw haha ..

and 2dae i brought a movie
'ZODIAC'
and keith, poor him, had a relatively full day :]
hahaa but i lent him the vcd in the end ..

then after school before tuition with the boys
i went to qiyuan's place
because we were SO BORED of holland

me with his mirror ..

His house if DAMN neat !
like its really very clean
like there is nothing messy abt his house
and his room is SUPER clean for a guy
i mean look at garys ? or my rm ?
GROSS ..
but erm ya he has a tv too ! with cable !
DAMN ..
his room has all the facilities that i want
just that it doesnt have a bathroom :o
speaking of which ..
i had to wash my feet ? haha not that they were dirty
and like erm i kinda had a stomach ache
so yah i had to shat ..
its like something abt the orange tiles on the floor ?
makes you wanna shat more ..
somemore its such a clean bathroom .. haha

and he has damn nice PS2 games
we played GOD OF WAR 2
haha its considered damn easy i guess
cuz i was like a newbie and i could like kill the huge giant statue
haha ..
should frequent there more often !
PLUS he has like all the CENSORED movies !
no i dont mean XXX shows but those TOO controversial for singapore
like BATTLE ROYAL -
where the adults in Japan want to wipe out the teens
so like they are isolated in an island
and they have to kill each other to survive ?!
my goodness
the blood and gore is kinda fake but its disgusting enough

then there was another show, PULP FICTION -
its like a mess of individual stories put together
none having any flow or context and like the characters also talk abt stories that are not part of the main story line
which is why its nice -
cuz its like a story inside a story ..
erm whats the word ..
INTERTEXTUALITY and METAFICTION ?
hahaha ..
so yes he MUST burn it for me !
i have to watch it with gary ..

His housing estate is also quite a nice one -
really peaceful and like the BUKIT PANJANG PLAZA
is like 5meters away from his house ?
MY GOD
maybe i feel deprived because my stupid area has nothing
jalan kayu is 5min drive away and its not exciting at all
thomson is a 15min drive away and its also kinda boring
sengkang, compass point is also a 15min drive away in the other direction
and its quite limited
serangoon is a 20min drive away and its quite okay lar

OVERALL .. everything is a drive away
and i dont have a shopping centre i can WALK to !
haha i wuden mind living in his area but now i bet the rent levels have incrased
because of the new mrt lines + shopping centres
vs. last time when he stayed there,
these things were not up so his purchasing price is probably cheaper than what it is now ..
SIAN ...

2007-07-16T08:55:00.001+08:00

-wear sunscreen-

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’97
Wear sunscreen
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it.
The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience…I will dispense this advice now.

(already starting to feel the effects of getting old and things can only either stagnate or get worse)

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth;
oh nevermind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded.

But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and
recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before
you and how fabulous you really looked….
You’re not as fat as you imagine.

(i look back on my younger days and i marvel at how horrible i looked, at least its alittle bit better now)

Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum.
The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

(THIS i need to improve on - slowly but surely i am worrying less. Except during some times of the year, i worry more for those i teach)

Do one thing everyday that scares you.

Sing

(sometimes .. yesterday i had the sudden urge to play the piano, its been such a long time but i really like it .. a few moments of serenity ..)

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss

Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.

Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

(sadly i have done the opposite .. gone with the love letters and i file all my bank statements, except those that are too heartbreaking to keep :/ old love letters ? maybe im cynical but i think they are a bunch of fluff - things you say when you were in the heat of the lovely moment and love is afterall a small portion insanity. Promises are seldom kept and at the end of the day, words are merely words. Ill spoken and penned down for the sake of having some form of resurrence but like all black and white documents, most are not taken seriously. Worse, even in the midst of an existing relationship, you can find yourself reading old love letters and then wondering why is the person you are in love with different from the person whom you fell in love with some time ago ? Then you start to wonder how come they have changed, even if its a tiny bit and then you naturally complain and want things to be like they were last time or you could also keep it to yourself and just accept the fact that people change and things are rarely the same. These is the general problem with keeping old things that should be forgotten or better, forsaken. And this is why now, i do not bother wishing or delighting in letters or those lovey dovry keepsakes for it not such and such that is important, its the committment - the level of trust - the faith in each other and unconditional love that matters over the letters and rings and flowers and other gestures. So i guess id continue doing just the opposite haha )

Stretch

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.

(I for one, know too well what i want to do with my life so its good also in a way, meaning when i get sick and tired - id just NOT do what i want/planned to do with my life.)

Get plenty of calcium.

(laclose intolerant over here :])

Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s.

(So in the end the best mixture is 50% hope and 50% cynicalism = mixture of idealism and realism which means i can dream but i need to know when to wake up as well)

Enjoy your body, use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people
think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own..

(I think my greatest instrument is my mouth ? and my brain ? haha because they give me the ability to think and talk a.k.a nag haha This reminds me of some bible verse i read about talents ? What are you going to do with the talents God gave you and for the longest time ever - i wondered what my talent was because i never felt like i had one .. but i found out that talents in His eye refers to anything precious and valuable that He has given you .. no.1 the gift of life no.2 the ability to think and the list goes on .. see how my talents are so normal and simple yet what are we to do with them ? Obviously put it to good use and not waste it .. )

Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

( Ohhh i love dancing :])

Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good.

(SIGH so true)

Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

(and my mom always stresses how blood is thicker than water)

Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

(the more the merrier or the lesser and tighter the better ?)

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.

(Yes very true indeed .. and never place all your eggs in one basket haha ..)

Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen…

...

one of those rare songs i hear on the radio from time to time
quite meaningful aye
today was another relatively slack day in school
sometimes the staffroom resembles this second home
because the teachers are REALLY cute
here are some things they do

1. make sushi
2. cook chinese herbal soup with mushrooms and all
3. microwave popcorn !

haha its like a mini party everyday :o

2007-07-04T17:56:00.001+08:00

i would like to think that morning traffic expresses metaphorical crossroads that we all take - rushing from point A to point B. What gets us out of the house every day, for some at 5am and for others even earlier ?

because for some we just have to and for others, we enjoy just having to do what we do.

i wish i belonged to the latter.

its all in the mind. Or is it ? some people just dont have that much of a choice.

i would like to wonder why the quality of life is getting worse when the material assets are not necessary declining ?

i believe that its absurd how primary 1 children need tuition because they cannot tell what is 3 more than 10. Where did all the good old foundations go to ? I thought my time was bad enough - now I doubt I can complete a upper primary mathematic problem sum.

Looking back on last time and saying it was better is not advisable because too much time spent thinking about what is lost and not what you have now. But there is some justification to it at the end of the day because its always a mixed record - in some aspects we are better off yet worse of in others.

I would like to believe that technology has served us very well. 30years ago there was no such things as ipods and what have you yet it has all made us worse off as well. Your eyes start to spoil, kids do not do their homework because they rather play PS2 or watch tv, those things become incentives for them in the end. Why cant kids just do well because they know it is for their own good.

Maybe im too idealistic.

Sometimes at night, my mom, sis and myself sit infront of the tv and we are all on our individual laptops - it makes us all worse at talking to each other.

I also believe that modernity and the age of "chaos" vs. innocence has all taken us out of our rightful places and homes are built away from home. Even i would be guilty of not coming home given 100% freedom.

And in my mind all i see are yellow, faded pictures of the past. Not mine but those that came before me.

What sort of activities did my mom have ?

She had fun chilling at reservoirs,parks,the botanical gardens ? She liked reading and cooking - sounds homely and its ironical she is a somewhat semi career woman now.
Even when i was younger, playground visits was a must every other evening, cycling with my dad at upper pierce reservoir etc.

Simple love, simple life - as gary would like to call it.

and maybe then they didnt have any other alternative. Sometimes not having any alternative is a blessing in disguise - having too much choices just makes worser consumers out of all of us and we take too many things for granted.

but this is 2007 coming to 2008, what am i talking about.

maybe the end of the world is coming - maybe it should. Its becoming such a terrible place.

yet amidst this age of chaos, I am hoping find my simple life and simple love -

argh.

Im so tired - i wish i was old and retired with grandchildren and all then i can sit back and relax abit.

sian.

Right now working with kids also has mixed results .. when i walk into a primary one class and interact with them - i feel so happy and calm sometimes, because they are so innocent and so carefree and the stuff they worry/think about is nothing compared to what i worry about .. not to mention how they are so small and you would naturally want to protect/shield them .. its also how they come to you with those small tiny faces (hands and bodies are also equally tiny) and they are just so adorable being themselves .. and i feel its suddenly all worth it .. for their sake, teaching is worth it - waking up at 6am is worth it .. just because this boy/s understand me when i try to teach them maths .. and some boys would adore you as well .. like how they WANT to pick up ur eraser, sweep the floor, give out books etc. That is when you feel you are not alone in this shithole .. and you really hope they turn out right ..

BUT

there is the upper primary kids, the older bunch that is as good as the secondary boys .. one word .. okay make that two ..

UTTER INDIFFERENCE

and how do you feel ?

that whatever you say/do falls bounces right off the walls and flies straight out the staffroom ..

what happened between those growing years ?

i have NO IDEA ..

2007-07-04T17:23:00.001+08:00

its so painful writing nowadays.

im only not thinking while doing
yet its always there somehow.

i hate that haunting feeling.

whats your conscious for ?

for christians, God must be present, only then will it tell you right from wrong.

reason when you least need it
folly when you least expect it

somethings you just cannot pretend.
its just not there anymore
but appearence has to triump over reality
at least ive cut all strings attached for now

better nothing that to have a world that belongs to someone else

with nothing its easier to set the foundations

at least i know the house is meant for me

to complement my first sentence

...

its so painful waking up nowadays

and its so painful sleeping at night

2007-07-03T10:42:00.001+08:00

it was such a costly mistake

and a very expensive lesson

i rather not talk about it ever

...

and i shall slowly build my sandcastle again
remorse at the impulse that overcame me
guilty at the greed of envy that i was consumed in
but it was partly for you and i

though that does not redeem anything

nevermind the capital numbers that is safely stored away
how am i going to be accountable now

it would take about a month to get back on track

...

now i cant wait for school to start
there has been one sleepless night
and i foresee many after
i just hope my plead manages to go through

the only way i can feel better
is if you were here for
my personal optimism is not good enough

2007-06-28T22:22:00.000+08:00

today i found this whilst in school ..

origins of finding it ..

huiying has a notebook
then i was planning to write a 'hello' note to her
but kinda silly cuz she wud only see it next wk
then i flipped open her note book
and i saw this

fated i think haha

somemore its quite apt to the situation that i was facing

"the patient in spirit is better than the proud in spirit
do not hasten in your spirit to be angry
for anger lies in the bosom of fools so do not say
why were the former days better than these ?
for you do not inquire wisely governing this."

ecclesiastes 7:8-10

the most important one was the bit about
complaining how yesterday was better than today -
like how carpe diem should be employed instead

off to bed again
ive been sleeping awfully much
napped from 6-9
then ate dinner
and now off to bed again

haha cheers !

2007-06-26T16:51:00.001+08:00

all over again ..

yet not the same in some areas ..

...

claras comparative chart :

today i only had to do daily relief for like 3 classes
and i taught them music haha so cute
but the whole experience is really a turn over
and because hy and i are working on a "confidential report"
we dont really have much classes
compared to last time whereby i had like 18 periods a week ?
best days - 2 periods
worse days - 9 periods

secondly the workload is automatically given to us
because its daily relief so things r already prepared
which is a load off my shoulder compared to last time
where i had to prepare my lesson plans /
photocopy worksheets /
set tests and mark them etc.

thirdly naturally the boys are different
i still have to yell abit for them to quieten down
but you have a whole new strings of events happening

teacher teacher he did ___ and did that ____
just now he ___ and then he ____

(okay so ?) haha

and one even called me mummy !?

then at the end of the day you hav to bring them to the bus stations

haha so cute ..

plus my last period was like switched last minute
the maths teacher wanted to take over the period
so like i had to babysit her class for social studies
and sadly there was nothing to go thru
so i just had to babysit them

i said they could read and do ... (wadever they wanted) but
before i could continue .. they all shouted

" CAN WE DRAW ? "

haha so gary and hy was right
they just cant get enough of drawing and

each has his own block of paper and colour pencils ..

plus this small boy came up to me and showed me his drawing
with a description somemore ..

"madam .. see my drawing .. i drew star wars .."

(in my mind i was like wat on earth is this ?)

" OHH WOW "

" this is skywalker .. this is the bad one .. these two are dead soldiers .."

" NICE draw somemore i want to see .."

" okay ! " and he hops back to his seat

(and in my mind .. i was like my god .. u mean kids are like THAT ? )

then you have one that sadly, started to cry
because he didnt like someone and told another guy not to be his friend
plus this other guy said "walao" at him
so its your combination of the usual
i dont friend you anymore +
some exchange of unfriendly language

(right so now walao is as taboo as the F word ? )

wait till they reach upper levels and start using the F word as freely as it is being used now ..
they would look back n think that their previous taboo words were really nothing at all :/ haha ..

naturally i was like (SHIT) when he started crying haha
not even my baby cousins cry infront of me lar ..
but thank goodness it was solved quite quickly ..

you see the different approaches that one can use

with primary kids right -

you have to stay stuff like ..

" aaron or mark or wadever dont cry .. ur a big boy already .. "

or

" the rest of you mind ur own business and dont disturb him .. "

or

" how would u feel if someone did that to u ? "

and asks more rhetorical questions and emo blackmail them ..

VS.

with bigger secondary kids -

you can get away saying things like ..

" AARON ! whats wrong with you !! .. why did u @^&@#& .. "

or

" if you want to disrupt the class .. pls go outside NOW ! "

or

" ive given you three warnings already .. see me with the DM after class "

there can be lots more yelling / complicated vocab / angrier facial expressions etc.

and pri kids come up to you with the smallest + tiniest situations
and like in reality im thinking
my goodness ..
what do u expect me to do ?
or liek why must you complain ..

but u have to humour them when they need to be humoured
and ignore them when they have to be ignored

and after encountering all levels

i realised that pri kids are even more so in their own worlds
last time i rmb complaining that some lower sec kids still do not realise the severity of their streaming / grades etc.
because i really hoped they would do well and take pride in their work for their own sake.

JC students are of course already in the know of the importance of their alevels and because im a 'pusher' and a 'nagger' by nature - its really easy to work with them because when they are passive and lazy, i just push and push and nag and nag larh. haha.

for the pri kids right - its like school is so fun, like a lotte world ? or a playground ? and like whether or not you perform like shit, it doesnt really matter AT THE MOMENT.
things like music, they do DOH REH MEE and other nursery rhymes etc.
things like social studies is about helping the sch/community/country.
things like maths for the lower levels lar is like whats 10 more than 40 etc.
and i feel they are all bumming around - like just floating here and there.

maybe they just love school for its drawing + PE + recess periods ?
haha ..

Lets just see how things go ..

maybe im not used to it because i like being in control ..

in control of my own lesson plans / methods etc.
and i dont really like last minute stuff
i would like to see their syllabus and like prepare for stuff

owell ..

cheers to tmr :]

2007-06-22T22:15:00.001+08:00

BAGHDAD: At least 41 insurgents have been killed in the past two days by US-led troops in an assault on Al-Qaeda networks in the restive province of Diyala, northeast of Baghdad, the military said Thursday.

Around 10,000 US and Iraqi troops backed by attack helicopters launched Operation Arrowhead Ripper in the province on Tuesday to root out Al-Qaeda militants in the region in the largest single assault since 2004.

...

im talking about this because im like reading up on religious fundamentalism at the moment. oh god yes.

then i realize how ive been really such a frog in a well. Im sure most of us Singaporeans can safely say we are also guilty of it.

All we can do it read about whats happening out there but we are far from actually experiencing it and its a good thing that we do not experience any of the turmoil.

...

I find it hard to swollow sometimes that despite it being almost 50 years .. since the war between Israel and the Arabs .. or despite it being almost 40 years since there was the bipolar world between the USA and the USSR .. or despite it bein 10 over years since the USSR collapsed ..

the same old shit is happening ..

over time and presidents - if its not the USSR as the great satan .. there is the extremists who now fits the bill of the great evil .. and ironically, they look upon the USA as the great satan ..

hasnt this been the case since long long ago - one action is also intepreted as something else, potentially negative when it is seemingly defensive ..

so its like a deadlock and a stalemate kinda world we live in today ..

in a nutshell, the extremist really hate every value that America represents - individualism / materialism / freedom of rights and speech / equality between sexes etc.

and they preach a return to the doctrines of the old school religion ..

you see the problem arises when neither of them are really wrong - those values that American can be potentially bad but isnt everything negative when you have too much of it so it should just be embraced in moderation .. yet we are only humans and being greedy, moderating is seldom possible ..

on the other hand, going back to the books of religion is also not wrong .. because its their own faith .. so it would be blasphemous to malign their beliefs like that

this is only on face value because in actual fact, the situation is more messy that this ..

you have crossing agendas and countries who embark on actions based on whether their agenda would be fulfilled in the process .. and more often than not, they play with fire and in the end, unintentionally spark off conflicts or worsen already present ones without really intending for it to happen ..

this is the problem of 'nationalism' - only doing something that would benefit the good of your country .. something like economic nationalism .. but on the surface, you somehow phrase it and make it sound like you are benefitting the whole world ..

so at the end of the day ..
everything is a complete MESS ..
and the roots of the problem go all the way back ..
which is why history is about not learning from history at all ..

...

ive totally not kept in line with what i wanted to say btw haha

so in view of this messy situation, isnt it so calming that we are in Sg ?

like the troops in America are constantly being sent for more 'operations' in the middle east .. but we are here, not even directly involved ..

so like sometimes when i complain about army .. i fail to tink about how our Sg boys/men are in a much better situation compared to those in the US ..

then i feel rather myopic and small and yet thanful that im considered a semi frog in my well because its safer here than anywhere else ..

and previously i didnt feel the need to be supportive of our SAF haha ..
but in view of the situations out there .. we need to be prepared ..

so GO SAF :]

haha oh god

...

2007-06-17T22:05:00.000+08:00

some images over the week ..
without any faces :]

haha ..

so lets play the guessing game

...

OKAY so tomorrow is monday
back to tuition tuition tuition
and like i cannot believe that i have to start teaching again
in like SEVEN DAYS TIME ?

thank god for huiying -
else id die :/

teehee

she makes waking up at 6am more worthwhile :]

but i pretty much think pri kids are not like their
older counterparts ..

some facts i actually found out ..

1. they WANT to answer ur qns
2. they WANT to go up on the board to write the ans
3. they WANT to be called up for duties

because HOLDING THE MARKER and WRITING on the BIG white board
is like WOW to them (haha so cute)

vs.

the lackluster attitude of the older kids

and like if you call their name

(over the other side, you have to call their names because no one volunteers)

the kids would think you are BIAS ?

so like they really love school probably
and they love learning i guess

my god

haha ..

seeing their enthu attitude towards school,
one would really wonder WHAT HAPPENS between upper pri
to secondary school ?

its like it goes through this 180 degree change :/

then of course it does not reverse in anyway all the way thru jc/uni
and even when you start working -
some ppl still dread it

so MORAL of the story ..

everyone should try to enjoy school
from pri - sec - jc - uni level
and then they should also try to enjoy working
or take up a job they like
if not their lives would be utter miserable

haha ..

2007-06-07T14:00:00.000+08:00

sent from qiyuan ..

HAHA ..

arent those quite nice candid shots :]

damn long ago .. like almost one year ago ?

my goodness ..
my face complexion was better then ?
but my hair is nicer now ?
haha ..
either way no big different lar ..

and hy looks adorable ..

2007-06-04T11:43:00.001+08:00

in the threshold of tomorrow i see footsteps of you and me
and in the reflection of us i see what i want to be
scarlet floors and silver bells
those orange sunsets and moonlit nights
small feet and a de ja vu of you

- ahh what earthly eternal bliss :]

...

and i wonder why its been so long
because ive been terribly over the moon
to rant about unhappy stuff :]

...

instead of dreading tuition and being out and about town
i shall look forward to it !
thats the correct attitude that would enable me to be HAPPY
about the details of my days
haha

its raining and i just washed my car ydae :/
what rubbish luck

2007-05-27T21:39:00.000+08:00

ydae saw us going out and abt clark Q !

at the morrocan bar with ..
qiyuan looking like an alien :] hahaa
and candy + daniel who joined us really late ;/
and of course gary - the shisha dragon
actually qiyuan is worse ..
because he can take 2 at once and smoke comes out his nose !?!
tsk tsk tsk

but it was really nice talking shit over green bottles,strawberries, peaches and lambchops on sticks :]

---

and i feel awful :/
its like this morning i was sneezing
then like lunch time i was okay
but the sun was blistering and i felt like i was in a oven being baked :/
after which i had like runny nose + watery eyes + tiredness etc.
and the air con in lido was FREEZING so it didnt help
of cuz i lost my appetite as well but managed to eat jap food lar :]
but still ..
and ive taken 4 cold tablets already + liquid medicine ..
its not working ..
so im going to the doctor later ..
i cannot stand this :/

but the weekend was good :]

and like even though its a vesak day holiday next week
gary has to serve his confinements
but its okay lar
i mean like erm .. i get the standard 2-3 days ..
other ppl have like 4-5 day weekend but heck really ..
the army has surprisingly been quite nice ..
like he is booking in tmr morning and not tonite ?
plus erm there is the public holiday weekend ..
i expected them to be more shiong lar ..
and they have quite alot of administrative time (free time) also
so it doesnt really matter to me haha ..

okay off to the doctor :/

2007-05-26T13:00:00.000+08:00

2hours more till

- my exam results are released
- gary comes back from sit test

3 hours more till

- i get ready to get out of the house

...

i had such difficulty sleeping last night.
i moved into my sisters room partly to make sure she sleeps and does not go online at like 1am in the morning and also to save air con :]
but its a different bed and in the morning her room gets kinda bright cuz her curtains are whitish while mine are peach - so mine keeps the sun out.

so after 1 hr plus of trying to sleep. i finally doze off, only to wake up at 7 to drink water cuz i was thirsty.

and because of the sun coming in, i could not get back to sleep. Hence i decided to move back to my own room to experiment - FAILED -

so at 8am i went downstairs to drink hot milk, hoping that i would get sleepy then watched some tv. I felt my eye lids getting heavier so i quickly went upstairs to try again. After not being able to sleep in my room, i decided to move back into my sisters bed.

We tried listening to jay zhou and some other korean band to relax ourselves but not all their songs were relaxing. Finally, i changed to symphony 92.4 FM ! and the music worked and i finally managed to get abit more sleep (9am-12pm).

All in all each interval of sleep required me to spend 1hr ++ trying to sleep.

Worse of all, i start thinking about stuff.

Its partly because im so excited about todae - that i cant sleep properly but when the hour comes to leave the house, id feel super lazy leaving the house. Its always like that.

When i was bumming around, i kept on complaining that i had to stay at home but now when i have to leave the house to give tuition or go out, i find it sooo troublesome.

Anyway so i was thinking abt stuff whilst trying to sleep right .. and its always a tad morbid.

I thought of the show GHOSTSHIP cuz i saw it on tv a few weeks ago and like i recollected how the crew killed everyone there - to collect souls. Then i started to imagine what if i was in that situation ? what would i do ? oh god.

Next I thought of myself falling on knives ?! That was because earlier in the night, i was standing on the kitchen bartop trying to look for somestuff in the cupboards. Then i pictured what would happen if i lose my balance and fall ? onto a knife ? and it stabs me ? oh god.

Then I thought of what if someone uses a handkerchief to mask my mouth from behind attempting to kidnap me ? What would i do ? haha.

I have no idea why i was thinking of such potential ways of dying - really paranoid i guess. I just needed to think of something to trail off to sleep.

Then i realise there is actually alot of ways to die ? Like someone could randomly plan to kidnap you or harm you because he is sick in the mind ? Maybe i watch too much tv/movies. Lets not talk abt J walking and stuff lar because we are suppose to cross the roads carefully etc. But the possibilities of freak accidents are many and i entirely believe that its Gods grace that keeps us safe all the time.

But i guess in any mishap, one needs to have fast reactions ! instead of standing there screaming. Haha.

This post sounds mentally unsound - its the lack of sleep and too much influence from the tv i tell you.

2007-05-25T13:23:00.001+08:00

My friend sent this to me and im sooo diggin it !

The ladder theory is a theory of adult male/female interaction.

THE WOMAN RATING SYSTEM when we grade men looks like:

Money and Power: 50%

Attraction: 40%

Things Women Say They Care About But Do Not: 10%
(this includes intelligence, sense of humor, honesty, sensitivity etc. )

According to the author
he feels that this is rubbish
because the real situation would look like the below ...

Says: I want a man who is motivated and has goals.
Means: I want a rich man

Says: I want a man who knows how to treat a woman.
Means: I want a rich man

Says: He's from a really good family.
Means: He's from a really rich family.

It was previously assumed that money was a fundamental unit of attraction to a woman. Further investigation has revealed a better understanding of this very important piece of the woman's rating system. The piece which was formerly labelled money has been replaced by a money/power paradigm. The two are almost always intertwined in a way that makes them hard to distinguish, so I don't think it productive to make a chart of how they breakdown exactly. One almost always follows the other in any case.

What is important to know about the money/power piece is that previously it was thought of as static. Now we know that the money/power piece of attraction displays time-variance. That is, the amount of money needed to get maximal "points" in the money category varies according to the age of the woman. When a woman is younger her perspective is different as to what makes a lot of money. As she gets older the amount of money neccessary for full points increases.

For a girl of 16 full points for money might be obtained by having access to a car and beer money. When she is in her early college years, a nicer car and enough money to join a fraternity is probably sufficient. As she advances into her twenties what we consider to be the normal money chart will begin to manifest itself -- that is, she'll want the richest man she can get.

and now we move on to ..
the mans ladder ..

HAHA .. its all about sex aye ..

and another interesting thing
women have two ladders !

The first thing to notice here is that a woman has not one ,but two ladders. This is becasue in addition the normal ladder, a woman also has a friends ladder. The friends ladder is where a woman puts guys that she considers "just friends". More to the point where she puts guys who don't get to have sex with her.

The problem arises because a woman never lets a guy know which ladder he is on. Obviously there is a huge difference, or gap between these two ladders.
It is in this gap that kisses of death are delivered and intellectual whores are made.
All a man can do is "go for it" and make a move on a girl; ask her out, try to kiss her, write her a love note or whatever.
If he's on the good ladder fine. If he is on the friends ladder this is a case of ladder jumping.
The man is trying to jump the gap from the friends ladder to the real ladder.
The girl has two choices at this point: she can let him on the ladder and all is well, or, more likely, she can kick him in the head, and off the ladder.
If you look you'll see that below the ladder is the Abyss(what was it Nietzsche said about a man being on a rope stretched over an Abyss?....well it's worse than he thought; there is no rope.) So the man falls into the Abyss.
The Abyss isn't really as bad as it sounds. Mostly it's a period of self-loathing, embarrassment, and of course utter awkwardness with the girl in question if they are talking at all.

Scenario 1: Tom meets Jane. She's pretty and seems interesting to talk to. Tom and Jane start haging out and talking more and more. Tom develops an attraction to Jane, and one day tries to kiss her. Jane tell Tom she doesn't think of him that way and she wants to remain friends. The next few weeks contact between the two falls off. Jane starts fucking an outlaw biker.

Ladder Theory Explanation: Tom met Jane. Tom was immediately placed on the friends ladder. Tom didn't know this. Tom tried to jump ladders. Jane kicked Tom in the head rather than let him on and sent him hurtling to the Abyss below. The oulaw biker was not on her friends ladder (they never are) but rather on her good ladder.

Scenario 2: Tom meets Jane. She's cute and seems smart. After an appropriate amount of time he asks her out on a date. She acccepts and they have what seems to be a perfectly nice date. Tom thinks he has a chance with Jane. He asks her out again. She says no, either explicitly or by never returning his phone call. Tom has no idea what the Hell just happened. Jane starts fucking an unemployed alcoholic.

Ladder Theory Explanation: Jane misrepresented which ladder Tom was on. He thought he was on the good ladder because of her acceptance of the date. Mistake. This led to an unintentional ladder jump. He was kicked into the Abyss. In this situation, Jane often wants to stay friends becasue you are so interesting and funny or some shit like that. If this happens you are most likely an Intellectual Whore. I'm sorry. This is most likely to be a ninja-bitch.

Scenario 3: A girl says any of the following to you:

* "You're like a brother to me"
* "You're like a big teddy bear"
* "I feel like I can talk to you about anything"
* "You're so nice"
* "Can you help me with my homework"

Ladder Theory Explanation: You are on the friends ladder. So Sorry.

This is really accurate !

but im not really sure about this other bit ..

IF A MAN FINDS YOU ATTRACTIVE YOU CANNOT BE FRIENDS

Many women want to argue this point and say things like " I have lots of guy friends." Maybe. There are exactly 3 cases Intellectual Whores has identified whereby a guy and a girl can be friends:

1. The guy is gay
2. The guy does not find you attractive.
3. The guy already has a woman much higher than you on the ladder

Even Nietzsche knew this. Most guys know this intuitively. Most girls doubt. I have a challenge for all of you girls who still doubt. Pick a guy who does not meet any of the criterion on the above list that you think is your friend. Then ask yourself this question: If you were both alone at his place one night, and you excused yourself to the bathroom and came out naked and asked him to have sex with you would he:

1. Tell you he doesn't want to risk the beautiful friendship you have created with messy physical entanglements.
2. Comply

HAHA
is it really true that a guy cannot be your friend and find u attractive ?
uhhhhh ...

Anywae if you want to read more ..
the website is ..

http://www.intellectualwhores.com/masterladder.html

2007-05-22T23:17:00.000+08:00

today saw me driving ard novena/bugis
on a rainy afternoon
with al :]

smilex

and i only have 3 tuition lessons this wk
im on a break
haha
self declaration :]

and because its raining
i may not be able to swim tmr :/

boohoo
need to exercise larh

...

sometimes i think you are too naive and idealistic. One should really not trust everyone, sometimes not even your husband or kin 100%. I mean who knows what he may do ? Who knows what may happen tomorrow. Especially if you have a stack of papers for your basic protection - keep it.

I just hope you know what you are doing in the years to come.

We have already hit the jackpot. Time to start investing and questioning and keeping what is rightfully yours. I am not saying that nothing should be shared ? How about a spilt settlement.

Say there is HERS/HIS and OURS - peace out.

...

2007-05-20T01:23:00.001+08:00

At the station today, i saw something/someone from yesterday. I wasnt really sure but almost certain of that look and that face. Then i just continued doing what i was doing - talking on the phone.

Faces from the yellow pages of yesterday pop up randomly, striking you as nothing yet something significant all at the same time. The question remains whether you want to remember or not ? Or when you actually remember, do you want to just brush it aside ?

Then is it true that skeletons dont matter anymore ?

It would be a matter of 4-5 years yet people still remember. I still remember and so do you. And sometimes you cannot look back and laught about it because the matter at hand is so serious.

Especially when i try to strike up a conversation, i cannot help but recall and rethink the steps down memory lane. Perfunctory words spill out but you can clearly read the signals my eyes are sending out - its just a blank. Its a mixture between not being bothered and trying to be polite. The trials of attempting to be like those butterflies out there - its just so unnatural sometimes especially when taken out of a certain comfort zone. You just go "argh fuck it". The worse is maybe you will cross roads again in future ? Like what are the odds man but this country is simply too small. Then when that happens, can you still f the situation out of the window ? It becomes worse - you have to cover up your tracks and explain your indifference at every cross road before.

This is in contrast with those from the other side where there are no problems. We have taboo exchanges, blunt conversations and when we look at each other, we see a mirror of one another. There is an absence of the need to be prim and proper or the need to avoid certain issues because its just socially not acceptable ? Like the need for men to maintain some form of behaviour in front of women. Something like that i guess.

And im amazed at the weird things that people remember.

and we marvel at the power of the brain.

and i dun really know what im talking about.

and sometimes i dun even know where i messed up.

Its like always good to have a clean break vs ignorance.

2007-05-16T02:32:00.000+08:00

and we, being humans, are always greedy

always sitting,waiting,wishing

for things to happen

for our desires to be fulfilled

envy,awe and sometimes even jealousy

makes us just want to have what he/she is having

...

desire being the desire to be desired by someone else

self-fish at the centre - to make one feel complete

...

you complete me ?

or in having you here i complete myself.

which is which ?

...

so once again we are chasing butterflies

looking for the pot at the end of the rainbow

wondering when is it my turn

then again is it really a blessing to be part of what everyone is having

and i look at myself

and im stuck inbetween the best of both worlds

the problem is

at the center between two realms

lies a region of singularity

where the laws of physics dont apply,

must less emotion and reason -

so actually the best of both worlds

cancels each other

and im left in a void

...

apparently its this void or any void that people want to get out of

to be part of some other - to be complete

but in being complete,

you have also created another void for yourself

because you are no longer who you used to be

things are different, together with the circumstances

you think for doubles now

then maybe your initial position

in that first void of yours was a better choice

so basically

everyone, at whatever stage,

whether alone or not

has a void

that maybe only divine intervention can solve ..

2007-05-16T01:59:00.000+08:00

TODAY i went to meet cherine
and we spent $36 on lunch ..
considerable much cuz im trying to save $$
then erm met qiyuan in town by chance cuz he needed company
and i had stuff to sell him :] hurhur
after tt i went home to change then met reuben for dinner
around the bugis area ..
yay ! long time no see - was a good catch up session ..

its the driving spells i tell you
after getting out of the comfort zone of ur car
esp if you drive daily -
the shuttle bus ride to the mrt was omg
haha so bumpy and this lady had a very awful smelling oilment
so i almost puked
then i took out my VAPEX for stuffy noses and competed with her
haha .. actually i just had to relief myself lar fr her oilment :/

one thing abt train rides that i detest is that
its so "stoned - inducing"
if you are alone and
if you sit down, you either sleep or read or sms or listen to music
if you stand, you also try to sleep or read or sms or listen to music
basically there is so much room to think or drift away ..
and i hate that larh ..
it makes me soo zombi-fied and kills my mood sometimes ..
least when driving, im preoccupied concentrating on the road ..
and i get to the place in roughly the same time ..
say 15 min to town - same
25min to city - same
infact 15min to the east - which is a + + + point :]

just now at bugis i saw 2 cloth items that i would like to have
but i bought 2 things from zara that i haven even taken out of the car
and now im really trying to save $$
so right i didnt buy it in the end

all in all
it was a long day of rushing here and there
thus/fri tuition again

getting sick of tuition but it wud be here for a while more
say the whole of june ?!

... ... ... ...

sometimes i forget why
sometimes i wonder why

i thought i was sure
i still think i am sure

maybe i am convincing myself
under the guise of continued deception

maybe i am afraid of the truth
hence i dont admit the loopholes within

things are the way they are because we made them this way
what if we choose otherwise ? what then ..

am i really that sure ?
or does my act of repetition make it more certain ?
actually it does the opposite

sometimes i look at the mirror image
and its not the same anymore

like a once familiar object
thrust into my cold-stoned hands

everything feels so foreign/so compelled
like a re-enactment
everything that is done
was done out of memory

... ... ... ...

in you i found the answer

keep it centered ard the right things and

things will slowly unfold themself

so we shall see

2007-05-14T15:02:00.000+08:00

everything seems so stupid when i look back on things

what i did to you was uncalled for
but it was a lesson meant to be learnt
yet sadly, it wasnt.

somethings were really a waste of time that shld have been shunned a long time ago yet i was too blind/ too caught up in wanting a future with him / too deluded to see that he didnt appreciate me at all and still .. i was willing to compromise so many things just to make us work when he didnt really want it as badly as i did.

then the many chances i gave you or us
just went down the drain
because they were never meant to be in the first place

i guess its about self love and growth
apparently i learnt those a little late

while you showed insensitivity and indifference
all i ever wanted was still you
which had a huge opportunity cost as well

plainly stupid.

im 20 now.
i was 17 then.
3 years and a huge difference.

its nice how i can laugh at myself when i look back
yet there are also moments of extreme disgust
and disbelief that i was capable of such
i mean cmon .. right now i think im way over that
and assuming my current state of mind was in my younger body then,
none of it would have happened !

there you go.
milestones in everyones lives.
embarrassing yet amusing at the same time.

---

SIGH ..
gary got 3 confinements !??!

1 his fault .. misplacing rifle ..

but 2 not his fault ?!?!

- enemy on left, must fire. every other sgt says its right but his one say wrong ?
- order given to slow down. he slowed down. but he didnt give order ? still kena ?

where is the fairness in this ?

1 nvm. but 3 ? when he is innocent for 2/3 ?

that is like accusing someone of murder when they are innocent ?!

and i am so useless because i cannot do anything
and i hate not being able to do anything to help him :/

but on a good note ..

he dug his grave in 1.5hours compared to the 3hours given :]
cuz the incentive was later book in time

hopefully he can trade this for confinement ..

then he is one of the very few that got marksman ?
haha that means everyone else really sucks
cuz gary is somewhat cock eye lar and blind
so if he got the title then everyone else is EEK standard
haha ..

SIGH

its okay lar i bet his sgt talk cock only
next week he wld be confined for some situational test
then he only has 2 weeks left before passing out
how do u issue 3 confinements in 2 weeks ?

HAHA that is just bullshit
so obviously his sgt is sprouting nonsense

another one of those ppl who need their balls licked
cuz they just love feeling powerful
oh man ..
something is up with this alpha male

if only i could voodoo some blackmagic over here
kekeke *evil laughs*

but since his bmt started
everytime he books in its like 13-15 days at one shot
and i counted ..
at most he would be confined for 10days plus each time
because 31.05 is a public holiday :]

and like june 13th he comes out already !
yay !

SIGH
but at least now i can sms/talk to him
so its not so bad as the stupid field camp days

2007-05-14T14:13:00.000+08:00

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.

I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.

I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

- Elizabeth Browning

so apt :]

my day jus got better !
gary has returned from fieldcamp ..
thank god this bmt fieldcamp is the longest in his army life
hurrr ..

yipee di doo dah .. yipee di dae ..

2007-05-13T21:38:00.000+08:00

yummy

and when there is a mirror
this is what happens ..

haha .. me again ..

here i am
looking at u ..

my mini meal with my mom
aha although she is not in the picture

its at a secret tcc outlet
with really comfy and big sofas !

back to watching my CSI vcds ..
next week - more tuition and bumming ard ..

and life is a half filled worksheet when you are not around
please come back and fill in the blanks
they are all waiting anxiously without you :/

2007-05-10T21:35:00.000+08:00

was quite peeved this afternoon because of THIS ...

JAM JAM JAM
in the afternoon ?
and there was no advance notice at all ..
which meant i had less than an hour to pick up my clothes

then 2 lanes were closed
with 1 police car and an ambulance rushing to the site
so ALL 3 lanes had to squeeze into 1
luckily i shifted earlier so i was on the correct lane ..

then i saw THIS !
my god ..
somemore the middle car is quite big one ..
a toyota or lexus ?
then like it was smashed between two cars :/
imagine what if i was in the middle ?

:o :o :o

then there were 3 accients !
this (below) was the second one but aiya
my car was moving cuz i was in the free lane
so i had to move else get horned
so i only took some people standing ard ..

then 5 metres infront of this 2nd accident - there was a 3rd !

wth

initially i was feeling pissed at the jam
then after seeing the sandwiched car - i was just stoned
i dunno why but i felt scared
cuz it really reminded me of my car accident
then i felt so lucky that i was safe
cuz like you can just sit there and not do anything
but some idiot who mistook the accelerator for the brake
can hit you from behind !
sighhh
somemore all cars were in the fastest lane -
i bet the culprit was going at like 100-110km ?
if not HOW to hit the silver car until like tt ?

tsk tsk tsk

not to mention the trouble after the accident
no car
insurance claims
police statements
hospital bills
and they take DAMN LONG
slow mo idiots :/
and until now im actually still getting sued
from the car right infront ?
thats crazy .. the police already proved its not my fault
and the 1st car is claiming from me ?!
he probably has no brain or wad ..
cuz he is wasting more money hiring a lawyer for this nonsense
and i didnt even sue that guy for all my "loses" and trauma :/

so to prevent any potential deaths from happening -
please wear seat belt !

luckily there wasnt any blood -
although i would have wanted to see some haha
so morbid right
cuz during my accident -
it think i flooded the roadside with blood
but who would be as suay as me to have such a bizarre injury
haha .. owell ..

then after tuition i went to meet qiyuan
no picture of his face
but im sure the drinks wud do his justice
HAHA
representative icons :]

and this is me :]

anywaes tmr is shopping and lunch with candy day :]
and more tuition

i only spent $68 at zara todae
buying my top and a pair of shorts
as gary says - i have to curb my shopping

2007-05-09T22:24:00.000+08:00

you dont know what its like
oh baby you dont know what its like
to love somebody
to love somebody
the way i love you

...

great song :]

i bought my mom this nice pair of earrings
but then i jus found out she bought like 8 pairs
while she was in the states :/

now i could either stick with it
cuz i tink mine beats the rest
or exchange it ?

dunno man

i bought her a plant/cup/pendant over the last yr already
so i dunno what else she needs
somemore i hate buying 'useless' presents
it has to match her style as well as be of some use
plus i have to 'feel' it suits her

headache arhh really ..

at taka todae i saw so many nice accessories
but SOOO EXPENSIVE !
haha but SOOO NICE !
dammmitt
then i went to zara - reserved 2 tops
may get only 1 of them + some shorts haha

yes i know gary always says i spend too much
esp on clothes
plus i dont wear everything i buy
actually i have gotten down to wearing those new clothes
except 1 item which i so regret buying
but other than that, i have found occasions to wear most of the stuff
then erm right now i should not be spending $$ like this
but i feel i deserve a treat ?
for god knows what reason lar
just those times of the year where you just want to SPEND !
spend some personal time pampering yourself
and buying stuff :]
haha its not so bad cuz i am giving tuition
but i do have to pay for my car stuff
yet .. AIYAAA ..
clothes can buy for use in next semester right so wont be a waste
accessories never really go out of fashion so to speak
but ill limit myself larh ..
tmr cannot spend more than $90 at zara ..
top 34.50 + shorts 34.50
2 dresses from elsewhere = $50
total shopping bill would amount to $120 thereabouts ..
OKAY lar ..

when i make more money
i can go taka and buy those expensive accessories
and not feel the PAIN :/

haha ..
tmr tuition at 4pm
then meeting qiyuan to go vivo

2007-05-07T13:43:00.000+08:00

some of the pics from hys bdae dinner :]

once again ....
HAPPY bdae woman :]

laters :

tuition at 4ish
meeting norvin fer dinner n drinks maybe

and my mom is arriving back in Sg midnite
thank god she is coming back really

SIGH
off to sleep abit
sooooo tired
last night i was too full to sleep
and i think i ate too much so i had like a mini stomach ache
plus gary had guard duty so i accompanied him for a while at like 2-3am :/
my god.
but thats okay.

todae is monday.
2 more days to field camp.
11 more days till he comes HOME :/

2007-05-04T19:14:00.000+08:00

it was a nite to rmb haha
with the quartet ? is tt how u spell it haha
daniel joel cass (the songbirds) and me - the burper :]

free entry :]
finger play that cass sucks at
red red wine
double chinese trouble
the polish corridor
RnB all nite long @ main floor

here are some pics !

me fooling ard while waiting fer the rest to arrive
it was daniels idea !

haha looking like a twit

at MOS :]

7eleven :]
we were too sober so we had to turn to cheap drinks ! haa

cassipoo and myself :]

the songbirds dan cass joel :]

get it on the floor yeah get it on the floor ..

hello stranger
he is from nus ?! on exchange i presume ..

what u normally see on face value ...

vs that they do behind closed doors
in the wee hours of the morning :]
haha !

us again at 3am :]
sober arh
haha nothing really worked actually hhaa
despite all our attempts at getting high ..

had to drag myself out of bed this morning
to return lib books - overdued :/
but only $3
haha then met alina for lunch/tea
before giving tuition ..

...

and now im due at pasir ris
one day with gary
before 2 wk confinement :/
he has 24hours guard duty
cuz he is a thorn is someones flesh
plus field camp is next thus to tues
so one whole weekend is burnt

this is unfair
but since when was life ever fair

im glad i have 24hours to spend with him already
jus pretent its like sat morning book out
sunday evening go in again
thats the normal 1.5day break
so that is what im settling for

compared to 2days that other boys get
but owell
like edwin and all my boy-friends say

JUST SUCK IT UP

yeah just suck it up clara !

its emotionally torturing.

ARGHHHHH ..

2007-05-03T12:16:00.000+08:00

public perception + social conformity = minor frustrations

i cant seem to do certain things without being scrutinized in a somewhat negative way. its pretty much just my way of showing concern - some people are those verbal sorts while some choose to do it through actions that speak louder than words. Most of the time, people just assume and they always compare now to the past.

The most mortifying is how we are always compared to him :/
the nightmare from yesterday - which is utterly insulting.

owell.

2007-04-28T21:22:00.000+08:00

and the process begins :]
our ingredients

huiying :]

the butter and choc mixture

the mess

the final product !

...

and MY lit paper today was horrible
not because the qns were hard
it was the opposite
so like u really have to make wise choices
and ur 'meat' better be good considering the qns are so straightforward

plus there is so much to say
and like i timed myself but still to no avail
i really didnt have time to write a proper conclusion for both ?
and like erm i had to like squeeze everything in a way that i was most unhappy with
so erm its really bad ..
of course i can pass but its like C+ i think ?
i have no idea man ..
hoping to get a B- or B hopefully ?
plus my assignments are like avg B too :/

my two last papers are my pet history modules
so they better not turn out like this one
although this is my minor :/ arghhhhhh

shall aim to make history a good paper :/
its just sooo screwed u know
how 10 weeks of work just gets ruined under such circumstances

back to the books for now
i cant fail my history :/

2007-04-27T22:18:00.000+08:00

B suddenly becomes a very terrible thing
and 2 something is extremely insulting
3 is somewhat meeting expectations
and 4 is what everyone is talking about

then because of some form of negative expectations/pressure, im dupped into feeling so guilty that im taking a break ?
like today i baked cakes at huiyings place
and erm spent time with my cousins at grandpas
then came home to do abit of work etc.

but i felt really relieved just baking/watching tv/eating and chilling
and time that i spent with my cousins was equally priceless

then there was this voice inside of me that went
"you have a paper tmr !"
my mom always said when she studied, she kind of slacked the day before the exam
to calm herself down and not get overly stressed ?
her reason was because she was already prepared and she did consistent work
okay im not saying i am larh but still
i dont see whats wrong with somewhat relaxing and chilling before a paper assuming i have revised prior to it

but still ...

its just not right -

so i spent the whole of today semi-chilling and i will spend tmr afternoon/evening chilling as well. of course at night ill burn midnight oil but at times like this,
i just feel so jaded and all i think i need is to pray and just do it :/

In the end im not going to be spared from the rat race because in 3 months time,
it will begin again.

im just so sick of it and for the next 4 semesters everyone will be going on and on about their cap score. From reading week 1 - 10, in the middle of mid term papers and assignments, there will be countless ranting and nagging and worrying.

oh god ...

then when i shut off to just slack and not care, the whold world becomes worried, which ironically makes me worried ..
mother goes "clara you need to do well .."
friends go "why you suddenly so slack .. whats up with u ?"
cant i just take a break ?
and of cuz my breaks just go out of hand
and that explains my poor performance up to date :/

its not that ive lost my essence
its just that im really tired
and burnt out
over nothing actually
but still, just very tired in general

and life is really too short to spend so much time fussing about
As A-s B+s and what have you

and the worst thing is
this quest never ends
initially when i started getting B-s then i freaked out
so yeah i managed to score some As this sem
but then i feel "wah thank God .."
yet the stress is on because i now have to maintain that standard
and if it falls, ill probably get demoralized etc.

so its a horrible cycle
sheesssshhh

Furthermore its like inevitable that everyone,
i mean everyone would expect everyone else
to be equally hard up about their grades etc.

which may not be the case

so if you seem like you dont care or if you seem like you are not performing that well, then i guess you just become the marginalized group in this race to the finish line ? God knows where everyone is going to finish larh - deans list perhaps ? overseas trips maybe ? what have you .. while im contented in my little world ..

...

and when things are over please just let them be

its like exhuming a grave when the
god damn person is already dead for heavens sake

arghhh ...

its like u say "ohh i think she had a gold teeth"
and nobody scares
but you just have to scoop her out of the ground
to check that ehh ya ! she really has gold teeth

all to prove that you are 99% right ?
and the rest are wrong ..

hmmm ...

the truth is no one actually/really cares
because it doesnt even matter to the living anymore

sigh ...

im just cranky
and i dont know why :/

2007-04-25T20:44:00.000+08:00

MY OH MY

its for me ?
yeah rite

HMMM
did gary do this ?
cant be ..
but he can be the only one aye ?

SHHHH !
even if its not from him
doesnt matter hahaa

nice front view :]

...

By 11 tonight i would find out whether gary is responsible
haha damn
its so expensive somemore
and he knows im a person who doesnt really like flowers ?
they die :/
haha would like a shopping voucher though :]

its from pan pacific
and it said :

from a secret admirer
im the biggest fan of your mind,body and soul.

MY GOD.
cheeeeeeeessssssyyyy to the max.

haha mind body soul ?
damn its weird.

back to the books for now.

2007-04-25T13:55:00.000+08:00

a dismal first paper ...

the standard was okay - like the normal stuff you would expect ... but i feel that i potentially screwed it up ?

It wasnt fact vomitting like my history last yr that totally didnt answer the question, it was just the rush for time and the insecurity abt whether i got everything down ..

It was just difficult trying to squeeze everything inside 3 sides ? because i figured any more than 4 would mean hogwash and rubbish .. but i dont feel secure being too brief either :/ generally i could understand them after i read through it but now i realise i have some points that i forgot to include ? oops .. so erm thats that ..

and this is one of my those modules that i hope to ace considering i only got a B for this japanese studies report - which means more work for the final exam, which is a board category of MCQs ..

just pray for the best i guess ..
only my pet papers are doing well .. everything else is like stagnating at a B ?
which is kinda bad news because i so badly need to pull up my cap sore

how should i put this ?

I have no legitimate reason for such behaviour but Im getting very sick of some habits. I dont want it to be this way but my god - its just annoying.

maybe ive seen through all your intentions
like ive literally walked through the valley of death
and come back out alive

you say A but you mean B
and other times,
you complain about A but you are equally guilty of it too ?

thats like what the hell ?

expectations have always killed those beguiled by it
and ive learnt to not bother what is expected of me
because i am only accountable to myself

and if you say this and that is a sin
destined to be hated by God
then whatever you are sprouting is equally debatable

and getting personal is certainly not good
because i see the naked truth
then other times,
you present the modified one

so history is multiplied
and confused
and what you bring comes across as many blessings
or good intentions
that pave the road to hell

so give me a break

2007-04-24T20:24:00.000+08:00

Im getting so restless - because tomorrow is my first paper.
After almost 10weeks of reading stuff and 2 weeks of trying to get things cramped into my brain - i am soooo sick of mugging.

The 'bummer' tendencies have set in rather early
I feel like slacking even before my first paper has started :/
and this worries me

I have not done enough I feel ..
but lets just hope for the best .. cuz ive tried ..

and of all things I have a paper on sat ?!
dammit

so after picking gary up
and dropping hm
i have to go back to sch

east coast - amk - NUS
my god ..
its like east - north - west !

haha .. my poor petrol :/

Im watching this tv show now - the gurmit foot discovery one
haha and michelle just said
its not the size that matters,
its the quality that counts.

HAHA i have no idea but it just sounds soooo wrong.
i mean most of the time,
people use that to refer to something else right ?

:0

2007-04-23T12:21:00.000+08:00

After a while, getting caught up in the redundant stuff that i do - Ive forgotten what an outlet really means. I have no idea who i am telling my stories to ? or what Im doing it for - secret hard copies will do just fine. Is it this desire to be watched and seen by others ? Im speaking for myself and some others I guess. This whole idea of public vs. private - gives you a chance to showcase your ramblings, reveal whats happening or whats not. It provides an opportunity for the world either to be happy for you, maybe a little envious ? or if it is bad new you are talking about, then people would feel sad for you and hope things get batter.

Is this all really necessary ? No.

Im only accountable to myself. Now I shall move on to another issue at hand.

One of my lit text focuses on identity - between a collective one vs. an alienated one in the castle of his skin. According to the character, he chooses not to reveal his feelings or let anyone inside, because by using language to tell other people, it just kills the feeling and thereafter, all is lost. Maybe be letting someone inside, they could kill you too.

Then I start to think about this - no, I do not have issues with identity actually ..
just debating whether its advisable to always showhand when its not called for ..

Gary just entered army and naturally I have a network of friends who would like to support me through this. Initially, I didnt feel like I needed them because I felt that I should not be reduced to a crying whining bitch. Im already 20 years old and should handle things better than all the other 18 year olds who are sending their boyfriends into the army. On top of that, everyone around me has been there and done that more or less, so my emo-rambling reactions are uncalled for basically.

Of course initially I broke down and got dishearted but thankfully, Ive snapped out of it and everything is pretty much going fine. What a relief !

So I adopted this seclusion policy of not revealing my insecurities or fears to people simply because they were not involved and they cannot alter the situation for me. Moreover, its my problem and I have to deal with it myself.

Then of course you have the concern few who insist that you should air out your problems - because they would be here for you so on and so forth.
But the irony is, it takes alot for me to reveal certain issues and in the end, all i get is hypocrisy and loads of nonsense.

Im honestly tired. Sometimes friendships gradually evolve into a pseudo relationship. No, Im not talking about those instances where you get closer and cross the line and go Oops that shouldnt have happened .. neither am I talking about those secret one sided crushes where you know its impossible .. Im talking about a normal, initially easy going friendship that just mimicks an actual relationship !

You have all the misunderstandings, fighting and what have you. Also there is the issue of trust ? Id always remember how my ex-boyfriend complaint that if I dont trust him, nothing is going to work out. Well, right now Im presently semi cynical because I was foolish enough to trust and get it misplaced, only to have my heart thrown into the washing machine and sun-dried in the blistering heat :/
So yes, trust can be a double edge sword sometimes but I have to admit, its highly necessary as well.

No trust = insecurity = disastrous for both.

For those guys out there, how on earth do you feel when your girlfriend comes whining to you ? Compaining that you dont appreciate her ? Treasure her ? Treat her well etc.
When you have done absolutely nothing at all except just being yourself ?
Coming from my experience, the guy would just go :
"FUCK ! if ur not happy then leave"
MY oh MY. abit extreme but it does hold some truth assuming there is no good reason for all her ramblings because the guy is blameless and has done nothing to deserve this.

Enough said.
just FUCK.

On a seperate note, Im do enjoy wearing the boxers sometimes but my good intentions always go misunderstood - then on the other hand, Im tired being the 'girl' sometimes.

And suddenly I dont care anymore.
Stoic, indifferent and as frozen as an ice cube.
Maybe such numbness is good - because I always didn want to hurt you
but now, I dont feel that guilty anymore.

2007-04-21T10:53:00.000+08:00

ydae studying wf hy,cass,daniel,qy n jesse
was rather productive lar .. it was OKAY ..
haha .. except for moments of uncontrollable laughter :]
at cass !
because she is so uptight ALL THE TIME ..

then ate alot fer dinner near sch
until now im still full :/

...

tdae is HOME day
need to clean up the house
plus get my euro. history MOVING
cuz its making SLOW progress

and garyb is OKAY
thank god
haha and its not HIVES
more like bad rashes

PHEW
haha qy was so grossed out
" imagine his chest with hives clara !"
EEEK
its like an STD i think
EEEW

6 more days and he will be back !!
4 more days to exams
oh shitttt ..
all i have to do it copy and paste

the whole of last week can already
haha
and it feels okay really
like pretty much used to it already

the first 3 days, as i rmb
were the WORSE
but all is cool now haha

and the most bizarre thing
that has been occuring is
the amount of dreams ive been getting
like in one night
i can have 3-4 separate dreams
2 wud be involving gary ?
haha ..
well thats good rite ..

maybe its the sleeping hormones
ever since i started taking it,
ive been getting dreams every night !

...

and its been half a yr :]
wow
4 more months till i say good bye to my P plate
5 more months till im 20
then it will be a yr :]
wow
times flies

2007-04-20T11:50:00.000+08:00

arghhhh ..

the longest convo i had with gary
turned out to be a kaboom fight

firstly, he is pissed off with army and his ^&@$&!~
then he said that my recommendations for the weekend
sounded as though im controlling him
when i only suggested stuff to do ?

okay but i know that sometimes when i mean well
it just comes across as though im dictating what to do

SO MY BAD :/

and i understand where he is coming from

then secondly, his skin is giving him problems - HIVES
and his throat and nose is also bad
not to mention how he feels semi demoralized
okay so this is what army guys go through ..

SIGH ..

thirdly he insists on standing by some of his principles
but what if in that place,
there are no more principles
and he is even willing to sacrifice his weekend
to stand up for what he believes

OMG ..
what a romantic and idealistic notion i tell u
reminds me of war lit
BUT .. in reality ..
its a totally different picture ..
i just hope he gets it sooner and not later :/

and he was always the optimistic one,
while im the one oozing with negative energy
now we have just changed roles
but its good ..
i get to practice my comforting skills :]

and i worry for him
hope everything will get better :/

AND IM LATE FOR SCH
arghhh ..

2007-04-19T22:41:00.000+08:00

haha just fooling ard in lib

its SO BORING
at times

restless / calm
then moments of tension and anxiety

oh dear
bad for the heart and mind

upon realization that im stuck in such a situation
i have to just DEAL WITH IT

damn ..
isnt there any avenue for compassion
or booth for complaining ?

well i thought there was :/

and tmr is another day of mugging
this is even worse than lectures/tutorials

suddenly im so bored of everything
like it takes a lot to make me laugh
maybe smiling here n there is easy
but from the rock bottoms of my heart
its getting harder n harder each day

come may.june.july
ill be as good as a rotting log

SIGH

2007-04-19T09:48:00.001+08:00

been plagued with headaches every day :/
and its so frustrating ..
cud implying that something is wrong with me internally ?
yikes ..

anywae
the mother is going america from 1-7th may
my oh my

HAHA :]

and that is also when i finish my exams ..

i hope they dont take garys weekend on the 5-6th ;/
ill be sooo uberly depressed n pissed off ..

WHEE !

5 more days till first paper
8 more days till he comes back :]

...

and now you only exist as an abstract idea in my mind
a sad departure from the predominant existence that you formerly had
like a weekend gate-a-way
i only remember because i tell myself to,
and because its written all over the place

the division within
the determining factor
whether you stand to benefit or not
the joker card that i would not like to deal

sick of the routines
why is there a need to find a larger meaning
or turn to a divine someone
seems full of futility and idealism
if u ask me

stoic, indifferent and aimless
things need to be done for their own sake
and mine
things need to be done for efficiency
is the only thing that keeps us sane
or ironically - not
things need to be done to take the worry
away from the within and transfer it to the mind
which results in the many headaches that ive come to befriend
in the last 6 days

and at times like this
i wish i could press the ff button
a girl with a mentality of a 20 something
should be allowed to live that way

not like this ..
certainly not like this ..

and i know myself
and my limits

and im just waiting for the time
i let everything go

call me impulsive
i just cant take it anymore

and you are reduced to a memory
this time capsule of indecent proposals
and the mist that hovers over you
is all that i have to remember by

...

2007-04-15T18:07:00.000+08:00

anywae today met jonny boy fer shopping :]
he bought a decent pair of zara shoes
haha

while i bought this pair of boxers fer garyb
hurhur so cute rite ..
and he loves superman :]

then erm i bought only 1 top from mango
thank god ..
the need to curb my spending

i just gave tuition and i think i spent like
80% of what i get per session
depressing ..

haha .. theres just no time for intensive tuition
in view of my intensive study schedule ..
or supposedly intensive ..
but in reality .. im struggling to concentrate .. argh

its not so much abt garyb at all
its like i get headaches all the time
and everyday i keep dosing myself with pills

- panadol
- sleeping hormones
- flu tablets
- vitamin C

like wth ..

walking drug stall ..

i also found out alot abt army haha

like i think im one of the few mad girls who bother

week 6 - 8km route march and field trip
week 7,8 - 16 + 24km route march

so week 3-5 would be the slackiest periods
before the shit later on

sigh and bmt is only a piece of cake compared to the real stuff
after posting ..
but we shall take things as they come ..

back to the books fer now
9 more days till my first paper
12 more days till baby comes back ..

2007-04-14T13:07:00.000+08:00

after periods of ranting my frustrations
ive finally come to a standstill

bounts of uncertainty
restless waiting
racing to answer the first call
runny noses and red teary eyes

moments of stability
before downward swings once again
internally struggling to continue with whats most important
yet buried beneath is always the memory of u

i could see u next to me
feel your hand over mine
but we are somewhere else
and only can exist in our minds

but for the prospects of the future
of course i can deal with it :]

- army pay can be used for our new tv
- absence makes the heart go fonder
- being an officer/gg sispec may be a testimony for his uni ;
should not waste this opportunity slacking
moreover i know garyb can do it !
- test sent from above ; to qualify what we share and my faith more impt

sigh ..

im really not looking forward to tmrs 2 sessions of tuition
but it has to be done

the necessities of life need to go on
despite how u are pretty much one of them

2007-04-13T18:13:00.000+08:00

the long hiatus is only because my internet connection is spoilt
and one marvels at how dependent we can be on the internet ..

after not using it for a few days
ive developed withdrawal symptoms !

wonder whether i could survive a day without the hp ?

haha ..

and after 6 mths of waiting ..
the D day has finally arrived ..

today, the 13th of april saw myself sending gary into the army ..
i never planned to due to partly self less reasons
because i didnt wanna go back to singapore myself ..
but his mom had to accompany his dad for an eye operation
and no guy should be sent out 'to die' for his country alone ..
therefore obviously i went larh ..

-disastrous-
shant say some thing in case its considered blasphemy

so erm the weather was just very hot !
and then it started to pour later on ..
the food was OKAY ..
but AIYA maybe it is my history of studying war lit in jc
that has made me immune to this patriotic cause -
its all hogwash bluntly speaking ..

maybe i dont understand because i am not a ' son of Singapore '
but after touring the place today
i pretty much prefer having monthly periods and cramps +
mood swings and pregnancy
VS.
having to serve 2 yrs in the army ..

its a complete surrender of your 'rights' as a person to some extent
where the regimentality can KILL your mental state of mind
and then, poor civilians like me - maybe im among the few worrywarts,
also bears some consequences ..

5am wake up
7-12 TRAINING
12-1 lunch
1-530 TRAINING
530-630 dinner
7-930 TRAINING
1030- sleep

OMG .. its like 3 long sessions a day ..
even worse than swimming training twice a day :/
not to mention ..
they have to finish the SOC + 1.5km run in
10 min ++

ohhh nooo ..
i just feel that gary is 50% already a man
so he doesnt need to go thru this 'rites of passage'

arghh ..
14 days and counting :/
not to mention how i have to READJUST the next 1.5 + yrs
to suit his 'prison' status ..
OMG ..
compromising on my civil rights as an individual ..

tsktsk ..

just my two cent worth of course
not everyone is this anal
some are rather patriotic :] hurhur
im just pretty paranoid
and reuben + everyone else
thinks im mad
and would die at a young age :/

------

see ?
even the tone of this post
reflects the current mental state of mine -

GONE

2007-04-04T20:03:00.000+08:00

this afternoon was the worse ive had in some time

utterly demoralizing
and erm disappointing

not to mention it was blistering hot as well
and the car was in the workshop

so i went home to take a nap
before borrowing grandpas car to go town

this is very bad i know
like i need the car to travel
otherwise i wont feel like leaving the house
and given the weather circumstances,
i wont have liked to take public transport either

pampered piece of shit
i have to quit this bad habit
haha

its just the curse of convenience

...

and i think that maybe im just no up for it
sometimes it works
things happen unexpectedly
then soemtimes when i want it so badly
it doesnt go my way ?
is this about me not being so self centered ?
me learning to adapt to my surroundings given whatever circumstances ?
because i cant have everything my way all the time ?

i used to be an underdog
but i dont think its possible anymore
its just rather upsetting
to see the fruits not coming despite how ive tried to sow the seeds

and like why cant i just sit back and relax
but everyone else is racing ahead
i cant just rot in my pothole right ?
and its for my own good anyway

SIGH

on another account
i think ill always be a jc kid
and ive also lost my ability to write essays ?

this is disturbing
and scary

2007-04-03T23:31:00.000+08:00

at CHA CHA CHA :]

long time no see !
maybe cuz she keeps smsing my other line ..
oops

yummy FOOD !

4 lovely ladies

love candid shots with candice

later on in the evening
at his place

reduced to doing pedicure :/
hahaa but hes going army soon
better cut now

...

im feeling abit sick :/
so i better sleep early
considering tmr is gonna be a long day
with tutorials and car repairs

2007-04-03T20:32:00.000+08:00

clothes are at www.prettyparanoidscloset.blogspot.com

links on the left :]

...

and my car has to fail on me ;/
again
some yellow engine light is flashing
and like out of 3 petrol stations i went to
no one can tell me what it means
i tot it was the water indicator ?
are they only trained to pump petrol
this is stupid
what if smokes comes out of ur car ?
then the petrol stationS near by cannot help u ?

so everything must call tow truck larh ?

arghh
so tmr after class i have to go west coast to fix it
and i dont even know whats wrong

!!!

went to meet candy/jill n hy todae :]
for mexican food at hv ! whee
a break from crystal jade for once
although im starting to have cravings
haha ..

2007-04-01T20:34:00.000+08:00

ARGHHH ..
this is only happening because i have too many clothes,
and too little space ..

the tragic bits of being an impulsive shopper :/
haha ..

below are just some photos that were already in my com
so no need to spend time uploading as yet ..
if things look good .. ill find more to sell .. haha ..

for this post - all going at $22 and below :]
if interested, email me at : clarakhoo@gmail.com

description : yellow top from topshop (size 10, fits a S/M, straps adjustable)
condition : not worn yet (except in posing for the photo :])
selling price : $18

description : 3/4 flare skirt (free size)
condition : worn once
selling price : $22

description : white one piece tube dress/top from zara (size S/M)
condition : worn once
selling price : $18

description : floral black/white dress from far east (size S, straps adjustable)
condition : not worn before
selling price : $22

description : little black dress from topshop (size 10, fits S/M, can be worn as top)
condition : worn once 2 weeks ago
selling price : $20 (status = pending)

interested parties pls email me at

clarakhoo@gmail.com

2007-03-30T00:46:00.000+08:00

smiles alot
and ponders

wondering all the time
how lucky i potentially am

4years in total
and its almost half a year

just bliss :]

...

everything should be done in moderation
and there are always difficulties of balancing everything
and making everyone happy

there are times where you just have too much of something
then reality sets in
and suddenly it doesnt look so appealing anymore
with such proximity comes equal contempt
that would not otherwise have been there
if there was only some unoccupied space

then there are times where you have too little
you dont mean to discard or neglect anything
like old softtoys, you just leave them in your cupboard
walk pass it daily and feel assured that its still there
but how long before even an object like the toy grows stale
tired of waiting and after countless disappointments ?
the problem of misplaced faith and too much assumption
contrary to the initial problem of the lack of faith ?

so there is this unintentional tendency to either
feel both high strung or to marginalize certain elements
because its highly impossible to have the best of every world

so what can be done ?

all i need is understanding.

mutual understanding.

but together with this may come neglect.
the gradual disintegration
and what formerly was forged together as one complete entity
would be broken up into different fragments
that would soon proceed to take root elsewhere ?

can you understand where im coming from ?

...

sometimes i get so tired
of activity
i just need to stay in bed all day

:/

and thats what i will do

2007-03-29T23:15:00.000+08:00

i am so happy .. because ..

we went to crystal jade :] YAY !

i had 2 bowls
haha and qy had this small plate

(kidding)

me on the way back :]
to see babyg ...
and below are some cars that are
hot as sex ...

BMW M3

BMW 6 series

audi :]

reuben norvin n i were going CRAZY during JS today
hahaha
looking at cars n girls ..

damn ..
when would i ever own one of those continential cars ?
in 7 yrs ?
im setting my mark at 27 - 28 yrs old
and i think i would need to take a 5yr loan :/
haha ..

my fave is the audi TT :]
gary says it so me ..

right now suzie is too cute just too cute
haha but i still love her
despite our accident and mini hiccups
she has served me well
and i wont forsake her
until she really fails on me
in a few years

owell ..

2007-03-28T22:02:00.000+08:00

this is interesting ...

smoking ...
looks cute ... like a chocolate wrapper ...

then there is this ...

and a harmless sweet box ...

that houses bad stuff :/

stupid gary ...
at least he saves money like this ...
no tar but there is no filter either ...
AIYOoooo

us before pigging out at crystal jade :]
yummy yum yum ..

and i realise my school life is really slack
its like i dont spend alot of time there
haha this is a bad sign
means im either ponning excessively
or i have a very nice time table
or im slacking ..
which is what ..

2007-03-25T21:25:00.000+08:00

weather forecast :

FAIR :]

so that means ..

i had to dig gary out of bed !
and he almost had a heart attack waking up ..
haha ..

manhunt ?

NAAAHHHH ..

dunno what im looking at ...

vainpot me :]

US :]

...

this is so out of pt but sun tanning
is a good time for people watching

im lying there with my book
and sunglasses
and nobody knows that im secretly watching them !
muahahaha

this weird guy was tanning in RED shorts ..
bay watch ? oh god ..
then he would have a very awful shorts tan ..

this other guy - beng ..
had WHITE trunks ?!
gaaaayyyyy---ooo
haha but he had a gf larh ..
quite hot .. so straight as an arrow ..

then there was this ang moh guy ..
alone at first ..
but he had this hot asian babe with him ..
gary says she is EEEW .. but i thinkk otherwise
with plastic boobs - how to be EEEW ?

haha and last nite ..
i had this bizarre dream that i was catching this bad chinese loan shark
who prostitutes woman etc.
and gary dreamt that he was
SHOWERING with fiona xie ?!
HAHAHAHA
giving her a head massage
and then even smootching her ?!

OOOOOMMMMMGGGG ..

:/ :/ :/

because of some movie screenings
and some lucky time tabling of mine
i dont have school on monday OR tuesday
but i guess i will still go to mug
and i need to pick up books

2 days of sleeping in :]

2007-03-24T21:25:00.000+08:00

i say i dont love you
but you know im a liar
cuz when we kiss
oooohhh fire

...

haha im so hooked on this oldie by babyface
its so spicy haha !

...

today after tuition i went to watch NINJA because gary wanted to relive his childhood days .. what a boy ..
haha i really tot it would be sucky
but erm it wasnt so bad lar
cliche stuff about good vs. evil
i mean its so duh that good always triumphs anyway

then i saw this acs i guy
obviously sec 3 or 4 ?
but his friends were so small ..
so maybe sec 2 ?
but he looks like ..

SCOFIELD !

that hair or lack of it
that nose
plus he looks mixed

OMG .. haha gary was like wtf larh im here and ur staring at a younger guy !?
haha i dont care ..
at least its not as bad as what gary was up to last nite :/
hurhur ..

hate it when he raises his eyes :/

much better :]

i think i look like a strawberry haha ..

arghhh ..
tmr sunday - meeting jon n josh fer beef noodles
so far away :/
but at least ill be driving
makes things more convenient
although sometimes it comes across as a chore

2007-03-20T22:18:00.000+08:00

haha gary n i dancing .. or not really ..
taken by mich .. they are so candid ..

nice :]

gary thinks im looking at the cute guy behind him ?
what ?! no .. haha ..
and my legs look like tree trunks ? oh god ..
but my baby looks so yummy-li-cious :]

at 3am ..
he looks GONE :]

with reuben today at project meeting
my hair looks kinda nice aye .. ahaha
qy says we are such photowhores
i think my face is too big ..
you cant see his right eye :o
haha !

back to the books babes .. sigh ..
tomorrow will be a better day :]

class at 9am - i take that back ..

2007-03-19T21:28:00.000+08:00

im sick :/
because i slept at 4am
and woke up at 8am :/

dammit ..

after school gary needed to run errands at cine ..
buying some prizes from minitoons for his kids ..

love mirrors :]

i look like im not wearing any shorts !
hahaha ..

then i fell even more sick driving home
i just slept from like 4-7pm ..

ARGH ..

terrible terrible terrible ..
and my nose is blocked :/
even after taking 3 pills + some syrup ..
god help ..

thank god tmr no sch ..
i can wake up later !

2007-03-18T21:05:00.000+08:00

my friday fiasco before the monday blues of tomorrow ..

haha what a night ..

it was a combined birthday party of yingxiang + turts + another guy, abel ..
at bianco ..

and i bet they were out to get everyone drunk larh ..
each drink had double/triple the shot compared to the norm ..
the music was okay .. not bad actually ..
considering how it was house ..
but it ended quite early say 3am
because 95% of the people were just gone ..
HAI .. haha gary n i wanted to go mos but it was so late already ..
another time larh ..
then we went home ..
for instand noodles and by 5am i was dead ..
it felt horrible the next morning ..
god im going getting myself involved until say may ?
haha its such a "toxicated" lifestyle ..
plus i was so thirsty and i had a headache which went on n off until today ..
my 2 day overhung .. haha ..

but it was fun while it lasted ..
for that night .. there wasnt a single tot of work :]
and then on saturday i went shopping with my mother .. yay ..
then when i went home ..
i felt so empty suddenly, i dont know why ..
i felt like a robot ..
like i dont see the joy in doing anything at all ..
so weird ..
it felt like depression larh ..
no appetite and mood for tv or anything ..
but nah .. it cuden have been .. sigh ..
my depression will sink in in 3 weeks time ..

and back to monday blues tmr :/

2007-03-13T20:31:00.000+08:00

looking really short.
at pull n bear vivo waiting for gary.
from the uber big bag - u can tell we planned to go to sentosa
but the weather failed ! of all days.
the moment i woke up at 9am i knew it was a bad sign.
no sun in 4 days.
haha.
so we went vivo to shop and watch movie instead :]

sigh. cant wait till our sentosa outing.
hopefully next week :/

much taller aye.
haha its the shoes.
gary is 176 cm i tink and im only 160.
a whole ruler shorter.
so poor him. having to bend down always
cuz he cant hear me but i talk quite loud wad ?
haha
if only i was taller :]
hai .. the possibilities are endless .. haha

and here i dont look normal
my eyes look blue-black-grey ?
omg. haha. distorted basically.

then it started to rain on our way home.
accident on ferrer road.
JAM all the way back.
and i was so sticky i could die.

then there was this LONG VEHICLE ..
6metres ? that just tried eating into my lane ?
cant he see my car !
fug.
then i was like

*HONK*
and he still kept coming into my lane.
i was scared shit lar so i *HONK* again
then he didnt stop so i was like
*HONK*
fuck !

then by that time, i passed him already lar.

mother shithead of a #%^&*@ !

sorry but i really cannot stand how suzie could have potentially gotten crush
and gary would be hit first and i would just die next.

sheesh. accidents are nasty :/

now im so tired and jaded -
i dont feel like doing anywork

tmr there is sch and tuition and project meeting
alot of activity considering i was slacking today

oh god.
and stress is making me break out so badly
its disgusting.
my face was peeling like a zombie today lar
because my ozy5 is too strong !
and i refuse to see a skin doctor
because he always puts me on medicine
that could potentially harm my liver :/

noooooo

sleep
water
fruits

better work !

2007-03-11T23:56:00.000+08:00

things like march holidays are a thing of the past

but at least im justified to be out of the house
because i have sch while my mom n sis do not

argh ..

lit paper 19th march
gek project 23rd march
history project 30th march
another history paper 2nd april
japanese studies project 5th april or 12th ?

whatever it is .. it all looks very bad to me

boohoo ..

and next week baby wants to go sentosa
because he would be enlisting soon
and that opportunity cost is 2 project meetings
and a hell lot of work
but ITS OKAY .. i will figure something out somehow
like i always do .. haha ..
think of it as my mini 1 day break before hitting my readings

and sometimes i dont know what it takes anymore
i see the past yr exam papers
and im like wtf literally
because i cant seem to answer most of it at all
so erm either i really cant make it
or its not in my brain yet
but even though i spent this weekend studying my history
it doesnt seem to stay in my brain
and i have a test tmr ?

am i too old for this studying shit ?
i hope not ..
at times like this i cant help but to be a little paranoid
worried about what may or may not happen
whether im still up to what i think i can achieve

sigh .. so demoralizing ..

on a happier note ! my lecturer is happy with my paper
and it is actually quite stressful because it means that
i have to do equally well for the next one ?
of course its my own expectations but aiyaa ..
im like that ..

work work work
cant wait till school ends
5-6 more weeks :]

but erm babyg would be GONE :/
totally depressing ..

2007-03-07T22:55:00.000+08:00

why the lies and the silent deceit
is there such a need for such surreal portrayals

where in lies the humility and selflessness
that you so claimed to have initially

has it been overwritten with egocentrism
that clouds the truth and unleashes everything else

the need to built castles up in the clouds
is it really necessary ?
when you go back home and realise that yes
half is true and you are living the life that you want to portray
but half is a lie that you can only narrate through fantasies

so where in lies the point of all these ?

the eventual trust and dependency that will be lost eventually
when the world finds out the fantastic scale of your stories

the doubts and lack of faith that is placed in your hands
when everything you say has to be put through osmosis

and what is love to you then ?
simply not that of the young hearts for you have been through much
but where in lies the love if there is but no glass ceiling ?
and what remains is a cloudy sheet of paper

does she know what you do after she closes her eyes
when she is dreaming of you in her sleep
does she know where you are when she is spending her evening
thinking of the next time she can see you again
does she know when you say you love her
somewhere behind the facade that you show the world,
there in lies someone else in the background ?

im afraid when i see such a spectacle
such extent of hunger and yearning for perfection
you crave for many and you wont stop any one
seems all so vulgar and inhuman to my understanding

or maybe im just the meek one
maybe all of your kind behave in this same manner
some just dont say it
while you have your ambitions written all over your face

and its so scary how someone can want to much
what about being contented ?
what about modesty ?
what about the rest of the masses ?

are we destined to be under your spell

not me

im breaking out of it

now

when the others warned me about you
i gave you the benefit of the doubt
and i chose to have a little faith
but it was sadly misplaced in you

....

week 8 is almost over
and its starting to get worse not better

oh God help me

....

and as someone this close to me
i expect you to be more understanding
instead of complaining and wishing it hadnt have to be this way
there are somethings that i just have to do
and i dont have much of a choice
or sometimes ive chosen this pathway
so i wish you could respect it
instead of want things to turn out your way

....

and at times like this
garyb ur the BEST :]
because you are SOOOOOOOOOO uber understanding its sick
but i really appreciate it ! u have no idea .. no idea ..
how impt it means to me for u to just be this way :]

2007-03-06T22:19:00.000+08:00

i dont want to grow older ..

my eyebags get bigger
my skin gets lighter
my face gets more spotty
and my eyes lose their sparkle

my hair stops growing
my back aches more suddenly
my legs are weak in their knees
and my ass is heading down south !

its only been a difference of two years

and i think that what happens in life somewhat determines how i look ?

1) the alevels - stress = losing 5 kg

and i quite liked that

compared to now - stress = not eating breakfast and lunch
but being with gary makes me pig out on food :/
so whats the difference ?

2)heartbreak = no appetite

compared to now where being happy = craving for food begins

3) compulsory PE although and swimming though I still skipped most of it

compared to now where my exercise takes the form of walking down orchard road/ sun tanning, of which i haven done in a long time .. there is just not enough time .. and having a car is not a blessing under such circumstances because i kinda forget what it feels like to take public transport .. plus i care less about what i wear because its so nice to wear PJs and just drive to the market .. haha .. im sure if u take MRT you cannot wear tshirts and boxers .. but with suzie, it seems justified :]

and so I am not graciously ageing
Im more like evolving into this potato sack

qiyuan said i looked fatter today :/
hmmmm i think the eating of fries from macs has put on the kilos

resolution :

FAST FOOD FREE !

last time in acj i didnt touch MACs or KFC for like 2 yrs ?
just felt like puking whenever i smelt it

but now .. SIGH

and like i stayed away from the chicken rice stall for like 1 yr ?
unintentionally .. cuz its just so oily .. haha ..

Im not complaining because Im unhappy or I feel fat
Im just nice and gary would like me to be fatter infact
He is mad ..
Its just that Im unhealthy and things can be better !

and I pretty much think that my lack of exercise is responsible for making me tired easily when this cannot happen now because I have so much work .. so I need the energy .. thus instead of depending on B complex and some other weird GNC product .. I better get my ass moving !

tmr afternoon after tuition at 5pm I shall drag gary cycling ..
HAaa ..

2007-03-03T23:00:00.000+08:00

she's the bomb
and her legs go all the way up to heaven

haha .. sweetness ..

and i think i should start exercising ..
like regular jogging and walks :/
and going to the gym ..

gary better help me :/

haha or else ill just end up like a piece of lard

we went shopping in town todae
he found a shirt and i found a dress ;]
plus i collected my tailored clothes
so next weeks clothing line up has been planned already !

haha ..

now back to work ..
doing the bare minimal ..
this is terrible ..

--------------------

always seems like im always on the losing end
the hardest goodbye that ill ever have to say
and preparing for equals the continued haunting
dreading and wishing that this day didnt have to come

for some, you have the blessing of being certain
having faith in the obvious and knowing it all
but for other, there is this tiresome worry
that pervades most days of ours life

and like a swing i always seem to be inconsistent
between the two extremes
wishing its 5 years + 20
then maybe things would finally make sense

2007-03-03T00:23:00.001+08:00

happiness depends on the situation
while joy depends on what lies beneath

the conflict between realism and romanticism

i am no longer a 15 year old girl

its time we thought about a tomorrow

not that its altogether guaranteed but just in case

feeling like a fallen angel
for not abiding to the biblical codes of conduct
for not being God centered
for not being equally yoked

everything suddenly becomes against me
and i lose that feeling of 'rightness'
because it is clearly wrong
and im trying to make it right

but what if it was never meant to be this way
and what if its all my own contrived illusion
of romantized ideology and idealism

the need to be objective and neutral
yet the need to love and wholly acceptable
the need to be realistic and not bias
yet the need to have a little faith

but is this faith in the right place
or was it merely misguided from the beginning ?

2007-03-02T22:38:00.000+08:00

no use saying i should have
and no use thinking of reasons why

we only have todae
and there is only now
so make good use of it

no longer what i used to be
presenting the icing and not the cake
bearing in mind the thin ice that im threading on
one heart is enough, we dont need two

what shall we do and where shall we go
lets not complicate matters by looking for a vision
whatever will be will be

and the sticky issues would always be those god fearing ones
the hypocrisy of what i preach
and the intentions that i harbour

owell we might as well just go with the tide
and not build a ship when the dams not open
it may amount to be pure foolishness and stupidity

but ive all along been busily building dams
and they seem fine to me ..

if only i could ..

----------------------

3 papers due mid to end march
2 projects due end march to beginning of April

OH GOD ..
i need to step up my game and be kiasu again
but its making me fall so sick ..
and im so sick of driving up and down ..
suddenly i hate suzie ..
and im sometimes thankful that i can take train or bus
for once someone is in the driving seat ..
and its not me

last night i slept only from 1-3am
because i had slight fever and a headache
i get headaches like every 2-3 days lar ?
and then i spoke to gary until 4 ish cuz he cuden sleep
and then at 5 i decided to go read because my head just refused to sleep
like i was so sick yet alert to some extent ..
then i went to read my uni stuff, shivering downstairs cuz of the chills ..
and at 7am i went to wash clothes !

omg .. haha the diary of a semi sick woman ..
and the disturbing this is that i can see myself doing housework
then when 1pm comes, ill pick my children up from school ..
bring them home .. cook lunch .. bathe them and supervise their homework ..
and i could really enjoy such a routine ..
of cuz i need time to pamper myself ..
and earn some pocket money giving tuition ..
but the above certainly was a breather away from my usual schedule
of getting ready in the morning for school ..
driving to fetch reuben then rushing to nus ..
sigh ..

2007-02-27T20:50:00.000+08:00

haha instead of bumming ard the house
i decided to go bowling with garyb :]

which is suicidal considering how often i sweep the drain !

haha

getting ready ..
and i somehow cannot throw straight .. haha

WHEE !

It was so interesting :]
and somewhat tiring .. haha ..

after that we ate so much for dinner
i feel like puking now ..

argh .. i have a headache and i tink its partly due to me sleeping at 3am last nite
sigh .. tired tired ..
and class tmr is at 9am !!!
oh my goodness ..

2007-02-25T22:32:00.000+08:00

Saturday - Sunday

this weekend saw us going go bugis village :]

first stop : beef noodles

and we got lost in singapore driving to bugis ..

second stop : bugis market

where gary bought a new pair of shoes cuz he spoilt his while playing soccer

third stop : SEIYU

nothing much at topshop ..
just feeling sick and fat ..

forth stop : queensway

to buy his soccer shoes

and then HOME finally !!!

....

thanks to my mother and sister
im now down with a mini flu
so todae was nothing but bumming around

luckily my student cancelled tuition this morning
because i honestly cud not get up at all

arghh and school is starting tmr
there is this movie session at 9 freakin am
not sure whether ive self proclaimed it as a holiday
haha but i still have class at 2pm
and for that module i seriously have no idea whats going on
its really a blur

....

Its going to be March in a few days
3 months since the year started
which also represents 3 months since i last went clubbing !
OMG
and April is just around the corner
pretty much going to be a depressing month
with exams and countless farewells
then there is the 4 month break whereby
i would have to work ..
then school will reopen again in August ..
and round and round we go about
just waiting to stop
seems like its gonna be one long ride

and im tired already :/

....

2007-02-22T21:24:00.000+08:00

..........................

sometimes i hate feeling dependable
like the vulnerable-i-need-someone feeling ?
the i-miss-you and think-about-you quite often feeling ?

you hurt because you are human
yet being ignorant and self centered
you rather not feel like you are human
because you dont want to hurt

this artifical theory that you are stronger than you think you are
that you are somewhat invincible as long as you do not hurt like all the fools out there ..

you call them fools and thank god that you are not like them
but you were once a fool and look at yourself now
all i can see is a teary-eyed fool
streams that smudge those black-lined eyes,
that are meant to cover up the true reflections
the shadows of illusion that mirrors a mere child.

and this image is magnified into the heart of the matter
the wondering-insecure ever-beating pulse
that doesnt want to fade away amidst the setting sun
the beating of the drums that ones ears dont even understand
its simply too hard to comprehend, such matters of the heart

its better left alone, undone, kept and locked up

but after long periods of time
you miss that feeling
the heart-breaking-feeling
that spreads from the center of your body all the way to your finger tips
for after being indifferent/stoic and numb for so long
you are just longing to feel like you still have a heart ..
that it still can be given to somebody ..

the complexities of human nature
the dualities of demands that we all have
the never-ending chase for contentment
we want this when we want it
but what we want is always inter-changing
one minute its this
the next minute its that
and sometimes its both this and that

if i say this .. there are things to complain about
if i say that .. there are also things to complain about
to each his own and what then do you want ?

i dont really know contrary to how i seem to know
that you were wrong and you dont really know yourself
just like how i dont really know how to explain myself
when it seems like i know how to all the time

.....................

TODAY because gary was so careless to leave his belongings in my car
i had to wake up at 9am !
to pass it to him at barker ..

of cuz i did that only at 1030am ahaa ..
then i bought breakfast for reuben :]

BIG BREAKFAST with extra jam ..
for our studying session ..

which amounted no pigging out on macs +
durian ice cream + ba qua + endless talking ..

what happened to the studying ? haha ..

then we played stupid games .. and he started performing card tricks for me ..
i tell u its all BLUFF ! haha ill always remain skeptical because i dont believe in magic .. those things just dont happen haha ..

then i went to acj for ssp ..
so tiring i tell u :/

and back to my tumourous workload BAHHH ..

going to start watching heros todae !
because my prison break + desperate housewives episodes are not ready yet ..
or my com just refuses to play them ..
so depressing ..
haha ..

watching protege tmr :]
and sun tanning with al :]
finally some exercise is being done ..
considerin how it rained todae
i tink tmr morning would be sunny .. haha !

time is passing so quickly ..
3 more days till school reopens ..
it really didnt feel like a holiday larh ..
and 1.5 more months before gary enters army ..
omg how depressing ..

but i refuse to think about it ..

and then 2.5months till my term ends
then it would be relief teaching in barker ? maybe ?
or like going on holidays ?
or just giving tuition ?

and the moment my exams are over ..
gary had finished his confinement period ..

argh ..

2007-02-20T20:34:00.000+08:00

when good things come your way
sometimes you just wish you could press the pause button
and then fast forward it to a few years down

because timing can either mean nothing or everything
because depending on the circumstances
managing everything at once just doesnt work anymore

and in life ive forgotten how to plan anymore
and ive forgotten how to trust in Him anymore
of course i do but there is mere word of mouth

i dont question because im inferior
and there is someone else above me
pulling the strings like a puppet show

i dont plan because nothing usually works out
the way i would like to have it
the last time i did it -
sheer disaster and ive learnt the hard way

to go with the flow shall we ?
walk through life with your hand in mine ?
eating the pies as they come ?

then suddenly everything is a mess
i have forgotten what i came here for
am i not happy ?
apparently the opposite infact ..
over the moon and reluctant to descend

...

and i cant remember anymore
things that have happened so long ago
i would like to start all over again
but from a different platform

forget 13
start with 17

but things cast down in stone
will be taken along the ride
remembered in distant thoughts
and brought forward to judgement day

forget repentence
forget sin
forget guilt

then there is nothing left for me to dwell on

...

2007-02-18T18:20:00.000+08:00

omg i look like a RAT !

HAHA and a japanese doll over here ..

and he looks erm ..
eeerr .. HAHA

but i still love him larh ..

(do i have a choice)

haha .. oops .. jk jk ..

now we shall have his hall of fame !

THE TWIN ? long lost brother ?

THE FAT .. very ..

and the God knows what ..

HAHAHA ..

he is so funny :]

-------------------

Thoughts after first day of CNY

1. everyone seems to be going overseas :/ and that causes a drain on my $$ collecting as well haha

2. I wonder when it would be my turn .. my turn at what ? heres the thing .. a few years ago, there were only babies and kids running around - offspring of my cousins/ grandcousins/aunties and grandaunties .. but now they have undergone puberty and all look so big to me ! On top of that, there are new babies coming out of nowhere belonging to whom i dont really know but yeah relatively cute and chubby :] haha .. so here comes the next generation and i am all forgotten ..

3) Its not so much about me growing old and there being new editions to the "Tan" family but its more of how i would have to go through some other cycle .. For instance, there were aunts who were 20 when i was say 12 ? and now im almost 20 and they are married with kids ? so its really scary that in a few years time, i would be getting married and having kids ? about less than a decade more to go ? and then people will be commenting : oh its eng chais granddaughter .. blah blah .. getting married .. blah blah .. and then i would be giving out red packets and not collecting them .. yeah its still about 5-6 more years to go but time really flies .. it seemed like only yesterday where i was a teenager and my sister just entered primary school ? but now she has advanced to secondary one status and im almost finishing my first year in NUS ? when just last year cny, i was still awaiting my alevel results ? and speaking of alevels, it has been 2 years since i was J2 in acjc when i can almost remember my first 3 mths there + fun-o-rama with AA3 etc. and the irony is .. ive always wanted to grow up faster but now, approaching the big 20 ? i am indifferent at everything that is happening around me but also equally stunned and afraid at the speed of such changes .. i am really not ready - contrary to what i initially thought .. and the most i can do is study hard / save up $$ for the future and erm pray about it ..

so basically amidst the eating/talking/watching tv and trying to make money via gambling haha - failed miserably ..

i was getting worried and increasingly paranoid at the future prospects because over the past 10 years, every memory seems to be written down in stone in my mind ..

the old houses that we used to visit - compared to the new ones that the people have just moved into ..
some old relatives that have passed on - so the commemoration of their memory is semi erased when no one makes anymore trips to their house ..
the old faces that have aged but remain familiar still compared to the new and younger faces that are constantly changing and becoming harder to recognise ..

i think its even harder for the older generation to think about such things ?
because they have been here much longer .. for instance my grand fathers aunty .. meaning she is my great grand aunt ..

(1st generation - HER 2nd generation - kongkong 3rd generation - mommy 4th - me )

And she has seen EVERYONE grow up .. also because the house that we always visit has symbolic meanings .. it was there in the 1930-40s when kongkong and my granduncles were just small boys and its still here now. Each year stories would be retold of how the children (my grandfather and his brothers) slept on the floor of the second storey etc. Even their old swimming / waterpolo medals are still kept in the cupboard upstairs ! .. and today i overheard my grandmother commenting to her how time flies, how a few years ago, clara and derek - this cousin that was born in 87 as well, were just kids running about but looks at us now ? ..

Its just so scary sometimes ..

what morbid thoughts haha but i just cant help it !

off to a popiah party at grand aunties place :]

2007-02-16T23:27:00.000+08:00

vdae spent pigging out :]

and our domestic disease found ourselves making our way home before midnight

haha ..

pity there isnt a picture of what i gave him ..
and what garyb had in stored was cheesy to the max !

.
.
.
.
.
.
.

his house keys !

but ive attached alot of symbolic meaning to it haha

me : CHEY ..
gary : eh i dont give my house keys to any other girl lorh
me : *smiles* so does this mean i can go there n clean up ur room ?!
gary : OH NO ! what have i done :/

hahaha ..

the next day was followed by 2 lectures and ssp
before springing up a surprise at the driving centre,
scaring the shit out of him .. haha

im not particularly happy about how CNY coincides with the uni break
meaning they are cheating my holidays :/
and there is less time to read up also ..
this is shit ..

then there is a break from tuition cuz i made $$ from sales
but erm .. i feel tight in my budget again :/ haha ..
this cannot be happening .. and i didnt even spend much ..

its the NUS car park rates that are sucking me dry ..
potential reason to not go sch ?
hahaha ..

2007-02-12T23:17:00.000+08:00

OUR FLEA MARKET ..

panic in the morning when camy wasnt in school
and i had tutorial at 10am !
thank god for reuben and hy ..
if not i would have died :/

then gary was so sweet to cancel driving
to come help me cuz he knew i was in trouble in the morning :]

and guess who's backside is this !

and it didnt turn out as bad as i thought it would ..
hope tmr is a even better day !

lit paper due on wed :/

OMG

and 1500 words history essay this fri !

what a way to end my last day of school :/

and because of this stall, i feel that i haven been keeping in touch with my work
but aiyaaa there is the holidays to revise anywae ..

2007-02-10T11:27:00.000+08:00

what a long hiatus ..

7 days ive disappeared ..

due to a couple of reasons ..

the first one being ..

been busy catching up with the season 2 episodes ..
and then right before i can watch the latest one ..
my peekvid.com dies on me :/
and mac cannot download all the shit needed for downloading videos !
damn ..

other than this .. there has also been ..

1. endless readings
2. tutorial discussions
3. project outlines due next week (not even finished !)
4. SSP for acjc (1/4 and outlines not even done)
5. preparations for the stall (we need plastic bags and a clothes hanger !)

so you see im actually semi dead ..

and everyone is burning out :/

there is just not enough time in a day to do everything that i have to do

i have to even resort to pushing tuition here n there
just to balance things evenly ..
arghhhhh ..

and at this point in time where my schedule is terrible
money is REALLY NOT an issue ..
its the opportunity cost of earning that money :/

assuming i try to max. the time in a day
ill burn out
and fall sick
its bad enough that reuben has flu
and ive started to have sore throat symptoms
maybe its all that heaty goodies ive been stuffing my mouth with ?

i cant wait for the CNY holiday + my uni recess week :]

but it only connotates more reading up and revising all that has been covered ..

the week at a glance :

sunday - 2 tuitions + project meeting
monday - STALL
tuesday - STALL
wednesday - vdae
thus/fri - sch until 6pm !

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH !

i can already feel myself losing it ..

2007-02-03T22:11:00.000+08:00

MY NEW JEANS ..
identical to that above :]

OMG .. it cost me literally 123 bucks
but i dont have grey skinnys so owells ..

and i also bought garyb a new wallet :]
because his old one has many numerous holes ..
haha glad he is happy with it because i am !

posing like an idiot ..

vain pot at her best ..

and i really really like this photo !
candid and so funny :]
haha we were on the train -
after vivo we went to cityhall ..
to walk ard the market place ..
before going to holland for a hair massage !
omg .. 30min of bliss !

and i spent like 300 in total today :/
shit .. according to him ..
buying clothes is a long term investment ..
i so totally do not agree ..
but im such a sucker :/
god help me ..

this is going to happen only once in a blue moon

(i always say that)

and then when i got home,
my mom was clearing all our shoes ..
there are like 30 over pairs that i dont wear anymore
cuz i love wearing slippers everywhere ..
and she is so peeved with that
so either i sell them, cuz some of them still has the price tag on
or she will somehow give them away or discard them ..

luckily i didnt buy a new pair of shoes today
or ill be feeling really guilty ..
haha but im happy with my new grey jeans :]

back to the books on a sat nite ..

2007-02-03T22:02:00.000+08:00

few of my fav. moments
decisions decisions decisions

its killing me :/

2007-02-02T00:25:00.000+08:00

some performance at the forum ..
haha hot salsa :]
then i think of those days where i asked gary to join
but picturing him shaking that ass ..
its damn gross and gay !

hy spotted jon leong at yih !
hence the urgent phone call ..
but aiyaa i have to get over it ..
maybe he only sounds nice singing 'chasing cars'
and thats basically it .. haha ..
but i wouldnt mind being in her position ! dammit ..
since the canteen has closed down
and there are food stalls at the forum,
i pig out on ramly burgers daily !
omg ..
no wonder im developing a small tummy :/

this is the musical game that i always play in QYs room :]
haha you are suppose to hold the key board and press the enter key
so imitate a real electric guitar !
hahaa so lame .. but its really interesting ..

reuben trying the game out ..
haha ..
he mastered it in 15min while i took 30min previously ..

vainpot me at my best .. haha

and tomorrow is a friday :/
not so TGIF for me ..
really wondering whether i should go for my lectures ..
sigh ..

and im soooo awake now i should go and do some readings ..
this is insane ..

PRISON BREAK LAST EPISODE ..
okay i wait so long to see them escape and then their airplane flies off
so 5 of them are running on the field
with police cars all behind them and at 1150am ..
the show ENDS !

omg .. im getting season 2 ..
this is terrible ..
and my pretty doctor has overdosed herself !
wth .. anywae just proves that life is not a pretty picture
and i like that cynicalism ..
where things always just crop up and screw your plans ..
a more realistic portrayal of reality i feel ..

SAT : bugis with babe !
SUN : CNY shopping with wayne tan .. (he shall spend $$ not me )

and throughout sat/sun/mon - there is tuition to give :/

oh gawd ..

2007-01-31T22:20:00.000+08:00

haha guess who ?

you wil find out later ..

all you see now is his nuts ..
(wasnt done on purpose
blame my accurate aiming)

candy :]

QY and i

we ate dinner at breakos ..
just in the mood for some oily food and drinks ..
a break away from sch before returning to the shit work shortly after :/

and this is the next best thing my mom has ever bought
haha shorts :]
actually she bought them for my sister but she cant fit
so im taking over them ..
there is this + another colour :]

speaking of shopping, i spent $50 today on a dress
terrible i tell you ..
and i got $30 returned to me .. so i feel better for now
and i cant wait for tuition this weekend ..
ahaa it reminds me that i am earning some income ..
its just my paranoid notion that i should not spend if im not earning ..
this need to earn zero economic profit ..
tell me im insane .. haha ..

2007-01-30T23:42:00.000+08:00

today garyb and i went to IKEA
to buy new stuff for his room
and to do some spring cleaning
because CNY is coming and his room is in a terrible mess

trying to look excited over here ..
haha .. so not working ..

the theme for his room is BLACK :]
grey tones and dark colours
to play down his PINK shelves
which we are planning to paint over after CNY
and we bought a black quilt cover too !

.....

in my car !
haha i bet the whole world tot something funny was going on inside
obviously not :/
i have no idea whats up with his stewpid face ..
parallels that of a porn star ..

...........

and his room is only half done
because we have to buy more bedsheets
and stuff need to be attached to his wall
not to mention the clothes hanger that i have to bring in
so that his clothes are not all over the place
haha ! this is so fun :]

2007-01-27T23:08:00.000+08:00

this is one hell of a picturesque post :]

prata with babe few days ago ..
after which we went exploring the lower pierce reservior ..
which landed us up at the other end of yishun !
OMG
haha but it was fun ..

then today i went to a fieldtrip to KAMPONG GLAM !
feeling like a total kid once again :]

and it was rather interesting
we learnt :
why arab street is called arab street
how the kampong glam got its name from a tree
history of the mosque/schools etc.
the ethnic cosmo aspect to the place
how its space is being highly contested today
and we even went to the cemetry to look at the royal graves
blah blah blah

it generally felt good to be out of the classrm/lecture theatre
i feel that things like this should happen more often
and even though we wasted 1 hour eating lunch
it offered a personal real-life experience of what changing landscapes is all about compared to merely reading it off a textbook or lecture slides,
which ties in to this concept of a global classroom
that i think ppl should seriously consider :]

and tmr is back to the normality of life
even though its a sunday -
filled up with tuition/studying at 6th ave
and then the next week will start all over again :/

2007-01-24T21:38:00.000+08:00

im not sure if anyone understands what i am about to say but ill give it a shot anyway

havent you felt like you are just so tired of socializing and doing the things that you just have to sometimes ? because its only being polite ?

yes i am currently suffering from that ..

because i have my bad days where my face looks like a hurricane is going to blow everyone away :] hurhur ..

more importantly .. there are some things that i wanna say / do
yet its not being done ..

think of a big laundry basket ..
and with like all the underwear and socks underneath the bigger towels / clothes ..

yeah its something like that ..

and i keep thinking about it, wanting to say / do certain things yet i keep on pushing it till next time but what if there isnt a next time ?

and catching up with friends/loved ones is honestly tiring ..
firstly there is school to manage - which is fine
then i have my outside committments like tuition and acjc - which takes away a huge chunk of whats left of my social life already ..
its been 24 days since i last went clubbing / drinking ..
which is a miracle for me - because i just dont have the time
and when i do, i feel guilt that i am not reading up on my stuff
because there is always a huge load waiting for me ..
when im done with nus readings, there is acjc ssp to prepare for and/or tuition stuff to do .. so there is no end to it ..
and now i have less than 5 students when last semester i took on 12 !
omg i dont know how i did it .. no wonder my grades screwed up big time ..
i felt more like a tutor than a student myself ..

then there are the family members .. ive not seen my grandparents for weeks ..
and my mother would nag if i dont come home for dinner or like if i go out all the time .. which she is justified to be upset about because family time is important ..
but things are rarely said anymore and everyone is just running about their own parallel lives .. so my sit down sessions with mommy and gwen watching tv becomes so much more meaningful and important .. and its been like weeks since i went shopping with her because we are all too exhausted on weekdays and by the time weekends come, i am busy with tuition and other stuff .. and its obviously my fault to some extent .. i am well aware of that ..

plus one cannot forget friends and important ppl like gary yong - the boyfriend ..
and like sometimes we talk about catching up .. and then like after that we disappear for days .. and only when im free or when you are free then we meet up or talk like how we used to .. and its scary because it makes me think that only a common activity binded us together last time ? i think that is part of a class identity and/or school spirit but what happens when its all over ? its like you are suddenly taken out of your comfort zone and your norms are not there anymore to act as a guide so you are suddenly thrown into this immense abyss of freedom and endless choices that you have to make for yourself .. and then at age 20 i realise that i am pretty much still a child in many ways .. and i need guidance / i need some pattern to follow .. or else i become uncertain or my next step .. and this is appalling and scary ..

but can things like this be helped ?
i am happy in my own little world and so are you ..
and then everyone is so caught up in the traffic jams of life that we forget alot of things ..

things that are more important than the other tangibles that we are chasing ..

at the end of the day ..
i think i need more time for everything ..

i guess i just have to make time :/

2007-01-22T21:36:00.000+08:00

there is this sucky feeling that just fills my endless days ...

its the repetion of routines and schedules

though school can be enriching and fun especially with the people you hang out with

it is also emotionally taxing because there are so many things to take note off
and me being the person i am, i just stress myself out sometimes ...

there is valid reason to but on some occasions maybe i am just paranoid

like my beating the red light incident but im still not sure whether it happened
so lets just wait for the letter, if there is any to arrive in 2 weeks

then all hell will break loose in my house :/

that aside ..

tutorials have started and i completely forgot about forum contribution

and to my horror there are very enthu people who have already flooded the chat room
sigh .. all this for 10% of the CA grade ..

but maybe for some of them, they are really interested in Japanese Studies and may not be like me - posting for the sake of it really

and then the most bizarre thing is for my lit paper ..
you have to form the RESEARCH QUESTIONS yourself ..
like you set your own perimeters to argue against ..
maybe in JC it was like easy shit but it certainly isnt here

and today was rather stressful in itself

filled with picking people up here and there
i might as well be an "ahmad"
or a full time house wife
then i had to go home to sweep and mop the floor
before going out again

and i was dinner-less
so my poor mother is cooking noodles now :]
thank you to HER :]

...

i just feel so jaded about school
like i have to drag my feet there
and driving there is not the best thing to do at 9am
when you are fighting with the whole office crowd
JAMS - increase the risk of getting into an accident
everyone is so impatient and ass hole like
including myself but ive learnt my lessons after that incident
so i morph into a slow turtle during peak periods

i just feel like i could stop schooling now
and like just enter teaching ? or like work ?

this is scary but i have thoughts that
i may be ready to settle down ?!
of cuz im missing a husband and the finances
haha so absolutely insane but still
its just that i rather just settle down
and work instead of study ..
of course people who are working now will say that my position is better than theirs after all, the grass seems to be greener on the other side all the time ..

so i guess / hope this is just a passing phase
that i will eventually come to terms with

2007-01-22T11:32:00.000+08:00

didnt fetch my sister in the end.
woke up late.
beyond late.

endless forum postings to be done
for CA grades
discovery that some modules are not open book !!!
contrary to my illusions

and acjc history ssp to finish by thus

not to mention a movie screening tmr or wed
that i have to make up because i missed this mornings one

and tmr is my special day :/
and i have to go to sch ?
might as well settle it on wednesday
decisions decisions

we shall talk about it later

2007-01-22T01:16:00.000+08:00

garyb and me ydae :]
on a lazy weekend afternoon

this morning my tuition was suppose to be at 1130 ...
but no one needs to know what time i woke up
so obviously it got delayed ...

waste of petrol travelling to town then back

and im not really sure whether he absorbs anything

which makes me worry

afterwhich i had to return vcds
and the next one i want to borrow is
the hotel rwanda - im turning to historial films
and classics after my hopeless horror flicks

cant wait for tuesday ;]
gary is getting paid
meaning shopping !
whoohoo ..

i was reading some WW1 websites just now
and i just remembered some stuff ..
about the total war that was fought for what ?
until today there is no justified reason for its outbreak
except for facism / expansionist tendencies as usual
and then that sets into motion alot of issues that is happening in the 21st century
terrorism is said to have started the day the archduke got murdered -
yeah it is kinda terrorist like to kill the heir to the throne
and then ww1 sets into motion the use of genocide / poison gas ..
technology gets more advance and now you have nuclear weapons ..
not to mention the birth of communism in Russia and the revenge Germany wants to seek which unleashes ww2 indirectly ..
and ww1 also causes US to rise as a superpower because Britain has bled dry and cannot recover ..
and once USA becomes the de facto super power, they start the whole high and mightly democratic movement against communism which equates to the cold war that also invades SEA ..
i mean .. this basically sums up roughly how some events in the 20th century affects the 21st as well .. common sense but its just rather absurd reading it ..

im just feeling abit appalled at the amount of shit that is happening elsewhere and im sure 90% of the stuff can be traced back to the origins of ww1 .. which in turn has origins in the 1800 during the French revolution during the Napoleon era where the world was ruled by the Turkish empire .. oh god .. how far have we come from those days .. and how much do we actually remember ?

not much sadly ..

haha this feels like a sudden rebirth ..
and of course my knowledge is stuck in that era for i know relatively nothing about what is happening after the 1990s ..

tutorials start tomorrow ..
suddenly i feel busier :/

2007-01-20T22:36:00.000+08:00

always greeted with sunny 10ams
followed by gloomy skies soon after
switches schedules btw sat and sun
so i saw someone else for tuition instead
at a nearer location to home :]

with no $$
its best to stay at home
so garyb and i watched vcds
some movie called MORTUARY
good god ! its not even scary ..
and its sooo stupid ..
there is this cemetry/mortuary
and a family moves there ..
strange things happen because
there is a black hairy vine like monster
living in a well in the basement ..
and the 'monster' is fed by this guy
who was abused by his parents before
and he inherits the house ..

readings and more readings
acjc and ssp and uni
god knows what is relevant anymore

so what do i do then ?
watch laws of attraction
extremely witty and funny :]
i like ...

i was reading the papers today

top sales for LUXURY cars

1. merc S class
2. BMW 7 series
3. Lexus

hmmm not bad not bad
wondering when ill own something like tt
haha .. confirm cant even park the car ..

then there is the ..

top sales for SMALL cars

1. toyota
2. lancer
3. nissan sunny

i was like HUH ? those are not even nice as all ?

then i was wondering where is my suzie ?

haha .. it just means that suzie is not so popular
and not everyone is buying her .. so i still feel abit special ..
although ive seen suzie and her pink twins along the roads .. haha
its kinda bad publicity i guess ..
triangle place - everyone knows im semi dangerous
pink car - everyone knows that im 99% a girl
haha ..

and im your biggest fan :]

2007-01-18T22:10:00.000+08:00

im turning 20 this year
its actually a big thing
because ill no longer be a teen :/

its not a great thing although its overrated
ive seen R21 movies - who hasnt ?
and everyone is doing things that they should not be
so its not much of a difference really

things do get better
but they do get worse as well
just more committments / bills
and then i start getting old
so i have to start buying anti ageing cream :/

then in uni now everyone has to declare their majors
and some people, esp those who went to poly
have more or less decided what they want to do
hence the reason why they can specialise

but whatever it is at this point in time
everyone has to more of less decide
and choose accordingly
or they can jolly well get a cert
and then start finding a job from there

...

as for me, there are boundaries i cannot cross
or wishes that cancel out themselves
because things have more or less been planned out for me
and i was an active agent of choice
just that im really not sure

each time i relief teach
there is a period of employment
if i start in jan and end in aug
at least i have aug to look forward to
basically its not a permanent thing

but soon it will be
and im not sure whether i can take
6 semesters - 2 terms each
equating to 3 years of my bond

at times its priceless and enjoyable
like some bonds you form do remain
some unspoken understanding between you and them
yet sometimes its full of torture

the short sleep hours
long working hours
after sch meetings
weekend markings
schemes of work
exam papers to plan and mark
those who may or may not appreciate what you do

this verbal diarhoea is motivated by

a mail i received to elect my 2nd teaching subject
and then i realise that alot of processing has to go into it
because i have to choose the next best alternative
that allows me to be of max utility and employment
depending on the demand and supplies of the school

so im semi worried
but i guess ill just make sure i cope with uni first
and not worry about the rest ..

its the the "im hitting 20" blues :/

2007-01-18T20:33:00.000+08:00

Jap studies lecture : really really paid attention :]

Landscapes lecture : everyone had switched off :] haha ..

then those 4 hours were over in an instant ..
after which we went to ..

FOODREPUBLIC
where there is nothing less than $4 :/
must be the high rentals larh

and look at their expressions !
haha .. john and qiyuan gaying ard ..

after dropping them back at nus i went to acjc
for the supp lessons
DAMN TIRING i tell you
then it was horrible traffic home
and babyb left his staffroom pass in my car
so i had to drop it off :/
what a sotong ..

and when people sleep in on fridays
i have 3 lectures
but its okay :]

2007-01-17T11:18:00.000+08:00

YESTERDAY .. the sun was up :]
and after i picked gary up i harmlessly suggested swimming ..
and for the first time, it didnt rain !

considering what happened the day before ..

so we had a mini trip to the pool ..
soaked from 230-4pm :]
then the crowd came after 4pm ..
and there was this girl applying suntan lotion
when there was no more sun ?

haha ! weird man ..

then after that we returned our vcds
and borrowed 1 more horror flick

2nd activity of the day ..

WASHING SUZIE !

obviously he doesnt know how to wash a car lar
but i needed him to clean the roof cuz i cant reach :/
and after that he was soo tired
i bet he slept throughtout the night
because i didnt hear from him at all
either that or he must have died ..

haha ..

i dread tmr :/
because i have ssp until 6pm ..
shall do the students and myself a favour and end earlier
like that no one will complain rite

today there is candy and her film project
of which i have to act as a teacher
omg and gary a lifeguard - what a joke
then i have to go town do some errands
before finally heading home to wrap up my readings
and preparations for ssp tmr

when people cant wait for friday and the weekend
i am excited over mondays ..

2007-01-15T21:38:00.000+08:00

background : novena chicken rice
i still prefer the serangoon gardens one /
or the one in far east .. haha

then right .. when we got home .. it was sunny
so we changed into our swim gear
and drove to serangoon then ..
it started pouring when i was 2 min near the pool !
so we had to turn back ..
waste of time
waste of petrol
waste of energy
grrr ..

then we went home to watch home movies

so suay i tell you ..
like God forbids me to swim or something ..
arghh ..

my lit dept is really a pain
they keep changing the syllabus
and i have to keep reading different bks
because no one can make up their mind :/

here's my new uni time table ..

MONDAY - odds weeks 10-4pm ; even weekds 10-12pm :]
TUESDAY - FREE :]
WEDNESDAYS - 9-11am :]
THUS - 10-2pm followed by ssp in acjc until 630pm :/
FRIDAY - 10-6pm :/

starts off fine and it gets rather shitty later on

haha ..

something in your eyes
makes me wanna lose myself
and it happens
moods began to swing
lapsing from playfulness to
the brink of a breakdown

something in your voice
makes my heart go all soft inside
its the way you call my name
and i hope these feelings last

i could stay like this
with a fireplace, in your arms
but not for long because
you always flood my world
with repeated images of come what may

and come what may
ill see you again
someday somehow somewhere

2007-01-14T22:28:00.000+08:00

farewell tea for laura :]
at taka sushi tei

...

i was feeling horrible today
because of the bad coconuts i had ydae
almost could not physically make it for tuition today
and then i had slight fever
plus it was raining

such a bad idea driving ard like this

...

i hate how there are no tutorials yet
not because i love mugging
but for the simply reason that my lectures only occur on thus and fri
so its so unevenly spread out at the moment
i enjoy like an extended weekend into mon-wed
with lots of free time to do my readings
and history ssp and watch home movies with babyg
not to mention all that fetching people ard
then i kill myself on thus and fri
ruining my saturday because im too tired to do anything
omg plus morning lectures on thus
means that ill be missing out on wed nite parties
and that leaves sat nites
but i have tuition on sundays to give
and then there is this issue of church !
which my mom wants me to go back
but i rather find another one
and i keep pushing these things ..
what am i waiting for ?
i have no idea

so wed/sat parties are out ..
and fri nites are also out because ill be
EXHAUSTED after my long 8 hour day +
waking up early to fetch my sister to school ..
i dont tink i can carry it off ..
its extremely painful to wake up at 6am to bathe
and rush her down by 8am :/

so thank god i have the next 3 days free
to fuss about my hist ssp and prepare for lectures
before i get killed on thus n fri
i rather 5 short days
then 2 long ones that kill me
but other then thus,
i have no other day to slot my history ssp
because on other days i end earlier
and i would not want to go back home
to YCK
then drive back to ACJ in the late afternoons !
so i rather stay out ..
cuz once i hit home, i dont feel like moving anymore ..

nowadays when i go out
i feel so obligated to i dunno why
and im physically not up for it
and so tired
but i am so used to going out
plus ive already made appts
so things have to be done
then when im out, i wish i was home
and when im home, obviously i rather remain at home

:/

i feel old ..
is this how old people feel ?

2007-01-13T21:28:00.000+08:00

a random few of my favourite pics/moments ..

ever since uni started
there has been a reversal of how i spend my days
my weekdays are mostly free due to the adsence of some lectures/tutorials
and then friday is my worse day :/
followed by gloomy saturdays -
which are usually filled with readings
because i get so paranoid after fridays
i just wanna spend my saturdays reading/slacking at home
then i give tuition on sundays .. when people stay home and mourn the coming of monday

when other people are dreading the starting of a new wk
im excited about it because i somehow enjoy my weekdays more than ends
as they seem to be less packed and more relaxing
maybe its this idea that im free when the whole is busy
that makes me happy ? haha ..

TODAY saw myself watching "the hills have eyes"
SIGH its not at all scary because its about cannibals
and how they came about due to USA's testing of nuclear weapons
isnt it always about that ..
then people mutate ..
then they hate USA ..
so they kill whoever comes around ..
goodness ..
then of course at the end of the day ..
USA triumphs over the evil ..
sigh cliche shit ..

and i think nothing can be bloodier than saw 3 so ..
this is really nothing ..

the other show that i started watching was "match pt"
BUT .. its such a slowmo movie :/
like i could close my eyes and i would know the plot
it was that slow okay ..

last movie to catch before rental expires is
miami vice :] oooohh .. haha ..

and ive done 2 chpts of lit + 1 chpt of geog reading since 7pm ..
now im stuck doing my history research on the french rev :/
oh god ..
and then i have to read up on acj ssp before i sleep later :/
how dreadful ..

2007-01-12T23:35:00.000+08:00

what an EXHAUSTING friday .
so much for tgif ..

if not for a makeshift shower
i would have died this morning
my grandpa was so worried we left the house at 7am !
and my sis was so early - there wasnt a soul there
so we did banking at holland first ..

then my first lecture was 45min only !
he wanted to give us an early weekend
sheesh (i end at 6)

after that alina overslept
(whats new)
and edwin n i went to the forum

admist the water spraying in
and the chilly winds
we survived 3 hours of waiting
before my 2nd lecture of the day

harmless lecturer
one bitch who thinks she owns the world
a.k.a smarty pants who actually challenged the lecturer
how embarrassing
i pity that poor harmless guy
everyone was like " just shut up b#$!^"

afterwhich i needed a latte to wake me up
then my last lecture
4-6pm
was the WORST
lecture started proper
he went through 4 CENTURIES of European History in 1.5hours !
meaning it was at fast forward mode
and i have to find everything out from wikipedia
so what is the point ?
goodness ..

then qiyuan and i went to his room
suppose to drink "beer in his fridge"
but his room only has
1 bed
1 table
1 mirror
1 cupboard
1 bustbin

ERRRR okay .. really 'homely'

then he introduced me this BOMB SOFTWARE !
electri guitar game !
where you hold a keyboard and strum to the music
its freaking fun !
haha i wanna go practice somemore ..
and there is this piano game also ..
i really dunno what he does with his time ..
but its really interesting .. haha

then at 650 we left school ..
potentially died due to "road rage"
by a certain someone
blinded by bright lights
went deaf by endless honks
absence of signals
no lane behaviour
complete road hazard !

i would have freaked out if not for qiyuan calming me down :/

grrrrrrrrrrrrrr ..
imagine the shit if i really overturned ?
or hit something ?
goodness ..
hospital AGAIN !

then it took me an hour to reach home
because the roads were so wet and jammy !

to hell with lectures that end at 6pm on a friday nite ..

and even though its the weekend
i really do not feel like doing the normal things that are expected of me
because i have so so so so so so much shit to finish

2007-01-11T21:55:00.000+08:00

my last line of my previous post had something to do with husbands
and then i tot of something ..

dont you think things like weddings/rings and such
should not be over emphasized ?
for like the husband will eventually stop wearing the ring
for physicaly obese reasons or others not so welcomed ones ?
and then the wedding will only he something of yesteryear

no doubt it has significance
but how much should significance cost ?
or how much are you willing to pay for something
that may be an illusion ?
or the last strip of icing before a landslide ?

those posed/candid photos - that grand dinner
the wedding night - the honeymoon
arent all these just poster pin ups
that hide the sad reality of the situation ?
maybe its not so bad for everyone
but it certainly isnt 0% effort as well
do doesnt the hardwork of sacrifice and committment
bare a much bigger worth in terms of value
compared to all the superficial tangible objects
that people tend to fuss over ?

instead of all that i personally think that counseling
and communication and contentment should be emphasised
and like marriage doesnt strike me as a celebration per sae
because it is spells more bad news in reality that what is seen

you are going home to a grumpy face depending on certain moods
and suddenly everything depends on moods
its always " aiyaa im not in the mood"
or " sorry babe i just dont feel like it"

or basically he/she is greeted with a string of complains

" @#^ #$&* @#^! "

and that is nasty
okay im bias and im only mentioning the bad bits here

its a shitty situation with bills bills bills
issues of loyalty and the reality that age catches up
and no one is young anymore
then people start living in the past and look back

" last time you were not like that ... "

" how come you dont .... anymore "

" why is it that you ... when previously you ... "

" its not fair .. i dont deserve this ... you never treated me ... before ... "

people change full stop
and that then maybe the person you fall in love with
long long ago
is no longer the same
because social institutions and people
all shape how individuals think and behave

does this mean that everyone should find themselves a God fearing partner ?
who is steadfast and constant ?
someone who knows how to apply Christ-likeness to everyone else ?

not really even though its ideal
because no one is perfect and everyone sins
and there are those who are holier than thou
those who say one thing and do another
those who try but are they really trying ?
maybe its all a facade ? maybe they have issues themselves ?

hence when people change
the dynamics of your inter personal relationship changes as well
she bear grudges and keeps on thinking of the past
pressurizing you and demanding for answers
answers that you just cannot give because you are no longer who you were
your principles may have been eroded ?
your ideologies have switched
your morals have loosened their screws
and previously you were a man of your words
maintaining that you are steadfast
and nothing will change anything

but as how faith as small as a mustard seed can move mountains
sin / temptation as small as a sesame can change anything

sometimes i dont know why people bother ?
or why i bother even ?
to love and be loved
only to let go and then love again

is it the lovely feeling that we put ourselves through ?
maybe its the 3-18month period
where its termed as the "honeymoon"
where everything seems right and rosey ?

some people think of the best possibly outcome
some people already know the bad news

yet they still persist ; maybe they have told themselves that its going to end
so emotionally they are prepared and hence whatever the outcome is
it really doesnt matter because they are already so numb

and there are some who fear from the start
or just recently nursed a broken heart
and then they dont dare take another step

then there are those, like me i guess ..
who is a combination of all the above
sometimes im hopeful
then i feel hopeless
then other times im stoic and indifferent
yet there are times i cant help but fear
and ponder my next step

usually this is a cycle
like i go through each stage once and then it repeats itself

damn ! love or anything associated to it is tiring
marriage is even worse
divorce is a blessing
but its a diplomatic and logistic nightmare
that scares future generations

maybe its this ever changing and dynamic world
that has eroded all the things that people used to stand for
transforming the inhabitants that tread on this soil
and making something beautiful so sordid and dreadful

or maybe its just me

but love is not suppose to feel this why

1) the unrequitted love - one sided affairs that make you question WHY/WHAT went wrong
am i not good enough for her ?
will she wait for me ? will she grow to love me eventually ?
which is essentially unfair in every essence

2) the puppy dog love - that burns and extinguishes almost as fast as it started
leaving you wondering, empty and craving for more

3) the substituting love - the act that usually happens when one is heartbroken
and needs another focus to get the load off one's chest only to end up opening another padora's box
and repeating the whole circle of the puppy dog love.

4) the enduring and steadfast love - the most consistent ; the most giving ; the most understanding
but it often comes at a price . Why is it that two people can never be balanced ? the scales are always tipped and usually the fall is the hardest . Afterwhich recovery is non existent in some cases or hardcore realism and cynicalism takes over .

5) unconditional and ever lasting love - only possible in one situation . (does not need to be said)

its such a thin line between like/lust/love and obsession ...
throw in want/yearning/need/longing/fondness ...
and you get a MESS
which is which
have you gotten the correct one ?

2007-01-11T21:18:00.000+08:00

its depressing to spend most evenings reading and reading

and or free periods during school reading and reading

even if you decide to have fun and not read for a while

they still wait for you when you go home ...

today i underwent 'conditioning'
although i personally think intro lectures are useless
i have to get used to this programme of school
considering my 12hour programme tmr

6am - wake up to bathe and get ready
7am - leave house to fetch sister to sch
8am - meet reuben eat breakfast
10am - lecture no. 1
12pm - meet alina for lunch
2pm - lecture no. 2
4pm - lecture no. 3

its a terrible friday
and i bet ill be too tired to think of doing anything else

and then my weekends overlap into weekdays
and nothing feels different
loads of acj ssp history stuff to read by thus
and they wanna go powerhouse next wed :]
the only problem is i have lecture at 10am on thus ..
and then remedial at 430pm..
so it will be this loooong day for me..
and like each powerhouse ticket - 5 drinks
plus its depressing to leave so early at 2am ..
but i have to ..
and garyb has work at 7 so he's worse off
muahaa ..

this afternoon was spent with
edwin john qiyuan and hy at ikea
hy came down from her house to be with us
ahaaa how nice of her
ERM ..

and it was a massive lunch of balls and shrooms
and burps with some farts that come out french
and outdoor peeing behind cars :/
hahaha !

followed by walking thru the furniture department ..
qiyuan was shopping for a dustbin
and i bought a container
haha ..

it somehow feels like we were furnishing our own homes
and thinking about it
i think it would be fun to live by yourself
other than hostels in nus of course
like rent a house .. a nicely decorated one ..
where you stay with someone you trust ..
omg .. i can imagine all the havoc nonsense that can happen
late late nights
home movies all day
non stop snacking
music blasting away
sleeping on the sofas
things that mothers will always stop to nag

i cant wait to move out
as it is .. i feel like a mom sometimes ahaa
when i go where-ever i have to buy snacks
when i go ikea i tink of buying bedsheets
when i go department stalls i buy boxers and shirts
when i go shopping i buy whats recently on the shopping list

for my sponge

not to mention we've been living without a maid for say 4 months now
and like i buy dinner back because i think my mother rather me spend $
then burn down the kitchen :/
and i buy household products when it decreases
plus how i have to take petrol and wash suzie every 2 nights

so basically i dont feel 'small' anymore ..
and im feeling kinda old ..
but the with age (and no maid) comes more freedom
wait until im above the big 2 0 mark :]
but its depressing to not be a 'teen' anymore ..

previously i was thinking that i need to save
so first it was saving for driving lessons
now thats over it became saving for a car
then the car came it was saving for shopping
and shopping becomes boring
and i wonder why i still need to make at least zero economic profit ?

so ive come up with new ideas :]
saving for holidays and
saving for my future house

and just in case i marry a rotten husband
who goes broke halfway thru his career

2007-01-10T21:44:00.000+08:00

today i spent time doing ...

1) changing my car head lights
2) meeting reuben in sch to buy text books
and they cost me $123 :/
3) fetching the boys ard - garyb and friend
4) watching basic instinct 2

wow .. she is one hot " 'mind fuggin' babe "
i swear there were parts even maybe i got turned on

HAHA ..

every nite i eat 2 dinners - one at garyb's and one at home :/

this is terrible
and ive not gotten my chance to swim
beause when im FINALLY free !
it starts raining
and when im busy
the sun is blistering hot :/

oh god ..

i tell u if tmr there is sun
although the weather forecast disagrees
im cancelling tuition to go swimming

oh what a bad teacher :] haha
amoral more like it ..

owell ..
a new semester
goodbye being the epitome of a bummer
hello to parking at far away places
hopping onto shuttle buses
eating at a non existent canteen
stoning during lectures
running off to give tuition
pretense reading in the library

i need a plan for may onwards
or there would be nothing for me to look forward to
and its a whole semester more before gary enters army
smack in the middle of my exams
which is good so that i can study
not that he is hindering me now
but still ..
it kinda sucks because when he is confined -
ill be having my uni holidays :/

when people around me are feeling like that, i cannot help but wonder as well.
we all need divine intervention
but maybe the presence of some people adds as a bonus ?

the inconsistency of human affection
the idealistic notions of unconditional theories
the hoping for nothing and dreaming of a tomorrow that has gone yesterday

the cynical sides battling against the dreamers
the planty of what ifs that plague our minds
the doubts that words seem to placate

at times like this,
i realy wish i knew you later

in my dream the music's playing
to the tune up where we belong
and im being carried off into your current
as the tides wash us off shore

the time is so right; my prince charming and i
but soon i begin to see the sunlight
a beam of distraught amidst the moonlight

need or want ?
which is which ?
is there one over the other ?
why dont you tell me ?

i really dont know anymore

2007-01-09T23:04:00.000+08:00

(looking really sexy there ! haha)

LOTS OF CHEESY DETAILS ...

c : i want ondeh ondeh !
g : THERE IS NO MORE
c : i really like ur mom's cooking ..
maybe in 5 years time i could learn from her
g : YOU CAN MEH ?
c : yaa 5 years is more than enough wad ?
g : (whispers) dont worry larh .. u have a whole life time to learn

HAHAHA

another episode ...

c : babe im in my complaining mood :/
g : your're a perfectionist rite ..
c : ya that must be why ..
g : YA ! that's why you picked the perfect guy !

HAHAHA

*pukes*

today ...

g : i wanna go grocery shopping ?
c : WHAT ? WHY ?
g : i wanna buy terriyaki sauce and snacks
c : ERRR OKAY
g : and minced beef
c : WHO IS GOING TO EAT IT ? IS IT COOKED ?
g : of course i will cook it lar
c : ERR OKAY
g : im like the house husband and you .. you will always be the tai tai lar !
c : next time when u earn big bucks i want $2000 in monthly fees !
g : (STAB ME) . . . $200 ! take it or leave it
c : (GRUMPY) . . . (but at least he's giving me something !)

HAHAHA

i really cannot believe he is sooooooo uber domesticated :/
its kinda freaking me out
but i like it :] haha
like he always says ..

" you are impossible to please ..
i do this you complain
i dont do it you also complain
then you tell me how ?! "

hmmm but women are like that wad ?

...

anywae is there really life after death ?
I mean you dont just die and thats it right
you are dead and underground and
you dont feel a thing ?

obviously there is a soul and
when you physically die,
it will wander off somewhere
either UP DOWN or it'll STAY AROUND

thats why there is heaven and hell
and those that remain here due to unfinished business

if there is no soul or afterlife
then there would be no spirits and those sorts
then people i know who have a "third eye"
would not be able to see what they see

okay this is morbid but i was just discussing it over msn
with some people ..

and im not really sure whether its pointless or not
to remain chasing those butterflies,
countless aspirations that we set for yourselves
when at the end of the day,
we will all be seeing each other in hell at this rate

but no one should think this way of course ..

...

2007-01-07T20:26:00.000+08:00

-with flash-

look at stewpid jon's face !

-without flash-
:]

smiles *

had tuition from 12-3pm ..

then met up with jon/hy and josh
went to taka to buy shirts for garyb
and ate quite a lot at coffee club :/

the kilos are increasing
and no fats disappearing

in addition to my new yr resolutions
i need to exercise more !

like SERIOUSLY
i feel like a piece of sluggish tofu

in view of the amount of
food/alcohol ive taken in this holiday

and maybe something is happening to me
ive been a little off lately
but no worries
things will be back to normal

...